Stalking Dennis

What are the odds that when I was wearing a semi-plunging neckline shirt, I would happen to bump unto, who else but Dennis Trillo! (Well not really bump.)

But let’s not get our hopes too high. I was not at all glamorously sexy or anything. (God, I am never glamorously sexy or anything close!) In fact, I was wearing something which is a step closer to a pambahay since I was really out to do our monthly grocery. I’m not even sure if combed my hair.

Truth be told that as usual, I was oblivious to what was happening around me. It’s just part of my autistic tendencies. Plus I was busy gorging my favorite siomai with my brothers when the lady serving our drinks noticed a commotion behind her kiosk’s counter. Then, ka-blam! There was Dennis Trillo paying whatnot to one of the supermarket’s cashiers.

As an out-of-my-character move, I left my sumptuous siomai with chili-garlic sauce to get a glimpse of this Dennis Trillo guy.

Anakngboogie! Ampogi ng mokong!

With trembling hands, I rummaged through my bag, not taking my eyes off Dennis. The star struck me captured these lame photos:

Si Dennis ba talaga ito?

Some mommy handed Dennis her baby just to have the kid and Dennis (and her) together in one photo.


The way Dennis holds the baby, you'd think that he's rather an amateur at handling kids.

Upon gathering myself and remembering the siomai, not to mention my brothers, which I left in the food stall a few steps away, I decided to give Mr. Trillo his privacy. I think the other people around thought of the same thing, too. We all left the poor good-looking guy alone.

Then he passed by right in front of me while I was back to my patay-gutom state. I did not stop myself from staring at him. I didn’t even try to be obscure. What can I say? Dennis Trillo truly makes a good eye candy! And he has an alarmingly queer effect on me.

Too bad, Nichi is no longer around. Otherwise, we both would have approached Dennis just so Nichi will have a picture with him while I can stare at him longer.

Incidentally, since I’m on the Dennis hype, I tried searching him via Yahoo and what do you know? There’s something about Dennis at Wikipedia . Through that I discovered that Dennis and Nichi were both born on May 12. However, they were born 13 years apart.

Kaya pala pareho silang gwapo!

November of last year, I passed around a sheet of paper at the office bearing the question, “Bakit gwapo si Dennis Trillo?” Not everyone is infatuated with him but all agreed that Dennis is one of God’s best creations. Yes, some lusted for him while some admired the fact that, based on what we hear, Dennis is a nice guy in person. (And we have a very reliable second-hand account to prove that.)

Considering that my question was loaded, (“Bakit gwapo si Dennis Trillo?” assumes that Dennis is in fact good looking and it was pretty much intentional on my part) no one really objected and said that, “no Dennis is not good looking at all!”

One tried to challenge the question by writing something that goes a bit like: we only say Dennis is good looking because we were formed by our culture to believe that Dennis’ fair skin, buffed body, sweet smile and somehow piercing singkit eyes fall under that set of physical attributes that makes a person desirable. Still, he (the one who challenged my question, or was it Dennis’ “good” looks he tried to deconstruct?) did not attempt to say that Dennis is pangit. Probably because he wanted to live longer or maybe, just like most of us, he, too, thought that Dennis doesn’t look bad at all.

Oh well, it really is a matter of opinion and taste.

I just wanted to share Dennis and my encounter with him. He may remain an eye candy for me. I mean, I don’t think I’d be devastated (O.A.!) if ever I learn that he’s some kid’s daddy or if he has a wife some where the way Ivan Mayrina’s child and marriage (?) shattered my heart into pieces. (Mas O. A. ito!)

But, Ivan is yet another story.

Making up for the Lost

Last night I saw Transformers. Would you believe that it came out June 28 and it is still playing at Megamall? Thank God for that! At least I still got to see it. Unfortunately, Nichi was no longer able to watch it. I had been coaxing him to come see it with me. Anyway, he would just have to walk from the taxi to the theater and he’d just sit afterwards to enjoy the movie. But he refused, not because he was not interested, in fact he knew Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots plus Megatron and the Decepticons more than I did. Nichi refused my movie invite for him because he can no longer go and see it. There’s a difference there.

Nichi would have enjoyed that movie. I imagine him raving about it even days after seeing it the way he did with TMNT. I just hope he was there with us, his Ate and Kuyas last night.

I am not a fan of the Transformers in my younger years. I don’t even recall watching it. I just remember that at one time, Ovaltine gave out free mini Transformer toys, my siblings and I were slightly crazy about.

I checked out the movie out of curiosity and I was satisfied with it. Entertained and satisfied. If only my contact lenses were in good shape then the movie’s action sequences would have been perfect and not restricted by the bounds the frame of my eyeglasses constantly set.

* * *

Three days ago, I saw Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix with Migs and Dad. It was another good movie Nichi missed. We watched some of the past Harry Potter films together so I can only imagine Nichi tagging along with us that night.

I like Harry Potter more than Lord of the Rings, probably because the preppy kids of Hogwarts are more pleasing to the eyes than the muddy creatures of Middle Earth. Nichi would say otherwise. He loved Lord of the Rings more.

But Migs, he was more impressed with the current Harry Potter sequel than the Transformers movie.

There go our movie preferences.

* * *

As for The Simpsons Movie, the film which became a victim of my grief, well somehow I made peace with it. I sat with the epitome of dysfunctional family at their famous living room and had my picture taken at two different nights, at several different poses.

Poking Bart's eye


Capturing a moment with Bart


The Simpsons with Tye and Migs


Making peace with Homer


Tye with the Simpsons


Tye with the Simpsons again


Again, Nichi would have outrageous poses with the Simpson family if he had the opportunity to do so. I can only imagine...

Making a List

I just finished the last of the iced tea pack Nichi had requested our dad to buy for him. And, Nichi, he’s one who gives weight to the word ICE in “iced tea.” Even on his final days, he wanted the ice present in his tea.

Lately, I have been contemplating on the things Nichi left, like that pack of iced tea. I have this list in mind:

- Yung plato niyang may design na sili. (Pampagana! Not that he needs appetite boosters, but the plate just suited him for some cute reason.)

I just saw my dad using Nichi’s plate. I asked him, “[Dad] sa ‘yo na yang plato ni Nichi?” He let out a sigh-ish laugh. I added, “Baka ganahan ka na nyan. Tataba ka na.” Dad said, “Sana nga.”

- Mga things nya. Nichi is one of the most organized people whom I know. He doesn’t leave his slippers lying around, lost in the middle of the house. He has a knack for leaving them in one corner placed side by side, like a well-behaved pair of footwear.

Nichi’s slippers are now with Ate in Singapore. However Nichi’s other stuff are still where he left them: at several parts of our house, inside the drawers and boxes he so tediously kept in order. There he keeps his drawing notebooks with really wonderful sketches. (He learned to draw people starting with doodles, a style he acquired from the drawing-the-manga-way books he bought this year.) He also has his diary which, amazingly, is full of positive thoughts despite how his treatments have been rough on him. Then there are his Yugi-oh cards; the pellet gun with a red laser light—the one he forced me to buy in Divisoria and which he boasted to Ate Win when Ate came home to be with Nichi on what-was-his-final-days; two pencil cases; an mp3 player; and his prized collection of Gundam Robots among others.

- Aside from the iced tea, there are still some of Nichi’s Stick-O and 2 big packs of yellow M&Ms left. The big bottle of Heinz Ketchup Nichi half-consumed is also there at our fridge. There's also the box of unpopped popcorns we bought him during our last visit at the supermarket. The pharmacy part of our refrigerator remained untouched until my dad cleaned it yesterday. A lot of Nichi’s meds are there. I saw a half-filled bottle of Dilantin and unopened bottle of Purinethol along with other drugs Nichi religiously took when he was still alive.

- Nichi’s toys are everywhere in the house. There are the battleship game and the control pad for PC which I gave him for Christmas. He also has a Mastermind game which was a pasalubong from Ate Win. Then there's the Risk: Starwars, Clone Wars Edition which he bought with his own savings. He has two remote control cars and two remote control helicopters. There’s also the PS2 Kuya Wah gave him which Nichi tried to enjoy even when his fingers were too weak to press the buttons of the control pad.

- Last night I saw the mini Guyito Nichi painted last year.

- He also has some books. One of which is the “Emperor’s New Clothes” which I gave him. He won best actor in his class back when he was in grade six (or five) for playing the emperor. He did a hilarious re-enactment of that role for us, his whole family, to see his winning portrayal. Too bad we don’t have it on video.

- Nichi left a lot of photos. There’s a series of pictures he himself took which he called “egg.” It featured his bald head everywhere in our house. He has many videos with the help of our brother, Jowin and Mic, who both have a flair for home moviemaking. Needless to say, Nichi was always their willing actor. Nichi also left several voice recordings in his cellphone and in Ate's and my cellphone; on tape; and I guess, on his mp3 player. I have yet to check if the singing voice he recorded in Ate’s Magic Sing has been preserved.

- Nichi left his 2nd Friendster account with a comment “Add nyo ako…” (We can no longer access his first account because even he forgot its password.) Perhaps, we can still do as he wishes. You can add him and we will accept you in his behalf. His email address is nichole_delgado@yahoo.com. Incidentally, the background which he set for his Friendster account features Xmen’s Archangel flying towards...heaven, I guess.

- Nichi left us with a lot of good memories which, despite us missing him, will forever paint a smile on our faces. Mom was right in thanking Nichi for making us happy during the times when he was still around.

- Nichi left his classmates and friends whose presence brings comfort, at least for me, because those children are just some of the people Nichi cared about other than us, his family.

- Nichi left his youth and dreams which is kind of frustrating but every time I remember that at least he lived his 13 years to the fullest, I feel a bit better.

- Nichi left us, his family, partly grieving for our loss but partly relieved that at least this time Nichi no longer has to suffer.

Digressing—Well, trying to

Aha, matagal-tagal na rin pala akong hindi nagsusulat! Ang dami kong naiisip lately pero parang di ko feel isulat yung mga naiisip ko. Anyhow, I’m back. At dahil Agosto ngayon, buwan kung saan sine-celebrate ang linggo ng wika, magfi-Filipino muna ako. Pasensya na lang kung corrupted ang paggamit ko sa ating pambansang Wika.

Ngayong araw na ito ang ikatlong taon ko bilang isang manggagawa. Translation: 3rd year anniversary ko ngayon sa Hallmark, ang unang opisinang pinasukan ko. Amazing! Tumagal ako.

Nung unang bahagi ng taong ito, nakita ko yung notebook ko sa Economics nung 3rd year high school ako. May homework kami doon kung saan tinanong kami ni Sir Macki ng something about sa pangarap naming trabaho pag laki namin. With my lame English, sinulat ko doon na ayaw ko ng office work dahil hindi ko kaya na paulit-ulit ang ginagawa ko sa araw araw.

Ola! Look at me now.

Siguro natatagpuan ko na lang ang variety sa mga napapag-usapan namin sa opis. Perhaps na-eentertain akong maigi ng mga ka-opisina ko. At yung private life ko ay isang roller-coaster ride kaya di ko na alintana ang routine na inassume ng katawan ko sa pagpasok sa isang 7:45-6:00 job. So ayan, 3 years na ako. Kumusta naman?

Mahirap sagutin. I guess, wala ako sa posisyon para sagutin ang ganyang tanong. Nang mamatay si Nichi, nasabi ko sa isang dating ka-opisina na hindi ko alam kung papaano ako babalik sa Hallmark pagkatapos ng mahabang leave. Actually what I really meant was, hindi ko alam kung papaano ako babalik sa normal kong buhay. Pero ayan, balik trabaho na naman ako.

Kaso kahapon, na-realize ko na kahit gustuhin ko, hindi ko kayang maging totally professional given my situation. Ganito kasi yon, nilapitan ako ng isa kong ka-opisina para ipa-proofread yung isinulat niyang press release in Filipino. Not that I am an expert (in my own language), pero dahil isa akong planner (ng greeting cards) medyo naging bahagi na ng trabaho ko ang pagtranslate in Filipino ng mga greetings in English. Kaya naman minabuti ni Kath na ipaki-usap na tulungan ko siya.

So nasa 2nd paragraph na yata ako. Me isang kinorek ako. Narealize ko rin na ang press release pala ay tungkol sa Hallmark for L. i. f. e. Yung L. i. f. e. ay isang organisasyon na tumutulong sa mga batang may leukemia. It stands for Leukemic Indigents Funds Endowment. Kaso, I did not get past the 3rd or 4th paragraph dahil nga it was about kids with leukemia. And it says that leukemia is curable. Tapos ayon, tinigil ko na ang pagbasa. Nagwawander off na kasi ang utak ko. Nakakaramdaman na din ako ng stomach spasms.

In short gumive up ako sa simple task of proofreading because my emotions were getting in the way. Naisip ko nga, “pinapahirapan naman ako ni Kath in more ways than one.” Sa totoo lang it felt like salt was being rubbed to my fresh, painful wound. I had to laugh it off or else iiyak na naman ako at problema pa ang pagpapatahan sa akin.

Nagsorry naman si Kath. Nawala kasi sa isip niya yung nangyari sa kapatid ko noong nakaraang July 24 lang. Sabi naman ni Ate Win sa akin, dapat daw gawin ko pa rin yung pag-proofread para sa mga batang katulad ni Nichi. Somehow, na-disappoint ako sa sarili ko dahil ayun na naman, selfish na naman ang immediate reaction ko sa isang bagay which would have given me the opportunity to be a better person. At dahil doon, napagtibay ko na naman ang theory ko na inherently bad talaga ako. I’m just trying to fight the evil in me all the time kaya madalas hindi for the good of all ang initial reaction ko sa mga bagay bagay.

Therefore, sa madaling salita, hindi ko tinulungan si Kath dahil nga pinili kong tumalikod sa chance ko sana to contribute something to kids who, like Nichi, are bound to fight that treacherous disease called leukemia.

* * *

Friday last week pala. I felt really bad and in turn, I looked really bad, too. Pagtingin ko nga sa sarili ko sa salamin naisip ko, “mukha akong isang babaeng dini-dysmenorria na namatayan ng kapatid.”

Tapos after a quick pause naisip ko, “wait, dini-dysmenorria ako at namatayan nga ako ng kapatid!”

Hindi ako natawa.

* * *
Kelan lang din nabanggit ni Aleth na yung kapitbahay nilang nag-ala Mico Sotto (nahulog sa terrace at namatay) ayon sa mga bali-balita ay nagpakamatay talaga.

Na-bad trip ako.

Galit ako sa mga nag-susuicide. Kung dati naiintindihan ko sila, well, hindi na ngayon. Naisip ko kasi noon, it takes a snapped mental disposition to drive a person to take his own life. Kaso unfair e. Some people would want to have longer lives and would live fruitful lives given a longer lease to their bodies kaso hindi nga sila pinagbigyan sa tawad nila na tumagal tagal pa sa mundo. Tapos etong ibang tao, sinasayang lang nila ang buhay nila by literally killing themselves.

Me topak nga!

* * *
What made me smile today? Bigla ko lang naalala yung isang pit full of ipis sa may sidewalk papunta sa bahay namin. Noon pa ito noong di pa trying hard magmukhang cobblestones and sidewalks dito sa Pasig. Naglalakad kami pauwi magkakapatid. Tapos as usual, natripan kong inisin si Nichi. (Bata pa siya noon, pre-leukemia days pa niya.)

Nilapit (or I guess, tinulak) ko siya doon sa pit kaya panic talaga siya. Natakot ang kawawang bata. Kami naman tawa ng tawa. Every time na dinadaanan namin yung natapalang site ng ipis pit na yon, alaskado si Nichi sa amin. Eventually siya rin e natatawa na sa reaction niya noon.

And another thing, a couple of days ago, while wiping my face with an oil control film, may some sort of an apparition na naganap. Salamat sa mga langis ko sa mukha at natawa ako sa shape na naform sa blue film…I swear heart siya. At naman, siyempre hindi ko sinadya yon. I wouldn’t have made a big fuss out of it kung sadya sya.

Kung sa women of Jerusalem mukha ni Jesus ang nagform sa telang pinunas nila sa mukha ng nagdurugong si Hesus, well sa akin heart. Puso ang nagform sa oil control film na ipinunas ko sa aking oily face. Ang kikay. Di bagay. Kaya nakakatawa. I even have this picture to prove it.



Kadiri siya when you think about it pero nakakatawa eh.

* * *
Siguro, this is as far as I would go in terms of my post for tonight. Next time na lang ako ulit babanat ng mas may katuturan at mas presentableng blog post.

Sign out na lang muna ako for now at baka kung ano pang masabi ko.

Huling Hirit Ni Nichi (In Pictures)

click on the link for photos: Huling Hirit ni Nichi

Ang mahal naming si Nichi, may have said his goodbye but he'll surely stay in our hearts. Kahit sa huling hirit niya sa mundo, he did it with a bang! Astig kasi ang daming bisita. (Don't worry, Nichi, naging magiliw kami sa kanila.) In fact, sa dami nila, kulang ang pages ng guestbook na pinrovide sa amin!

O, Nichi, kita mo na ang dami-daming nagmamahal sa yo! Sana lagi kang masaya dyan. Si Papa Jesus naman ang aliwin mo. :-)

Remembering Nichi

This video was taken 3 days before Nichi died. Although undeniably, hospital-bed-bound, he never fails to join in the fun the way he usually does with us, his 4 siblings.



This is just one of the many memories Nichi left that will surely make me smile.

*ang gwapo talaga!*

Hiding Inside a Theater

I know that I have all the right to grieve but somehow, I feel that I have to keep my sadness to myself to avoid infecting my family who is as distraught as I am for our Nichi’s early demise. And even if my tears are not persuasive enough to entice theirs to flow, I would hate it if they’d worry for me ceaselessly crying.

At times like this, we are compelled to look after each other and I guess somehow we end up suppressing our emotions which isn’t at all good.

I, for example, am going around in circles. I honestly don’t know how to fill the void Nichi left. Yes, there are those memories of him, real and comforting, that would allow me to stay fine but when I realize that I won’t be making new memories with him ever again, I return to feeling empty.

I want to place my life into a pause so that time won’t run by fast. That way, the days when I’ll be missing him won’t pile up to mountain high. Otherwise, I’d be buried underneath my own sadness.

I’ve skipped work twice this week because I don’t want people telling me, “Condolence.” A greeting to which I reply, “thank you.” I wonder what the hell am I thinking thanking them. Is “thank you” even a reply to “condolence”?! They didn’t teach me that in school.

If I had it my way, I’d lock myself elsewhere so that I can flood myself with whatever it is I am feeling. Maybe if I cry my eyes out, I’d get over this sooner than how things are going right now.

I guess that’s why I ended up paying Php130.00 to sit through a movie which I didn’t find funny. It’s an animated film that’s supposed to be a comedy but I hardly laughed. Moreover, I was crying.

Somehow the dark theater offered a sanctuary to my grieving heart. It kept my identity private as well as my generously flowing tears. It’s not healthy crying alone but at this point, I’d take what I can get.

I don’t know how long this will go but I am sure that the sooner I let my emotions out, the sooner I’d be back to normal.

I wish Nichi understands why I suddenly became like this. I really hope he would.