Her Single Blessedness

It may be weird to talk about this now but I’ll go ahead and get this out of my system.

A few months ago, I had an epiphany which may well be my only chance to get myself my own family. I mean, hey, I’m 27! Having a family of my own, although not something I’d entertain everyday, is a truth that lurks around especially with society and science reminding me that, as a woman, there’s that biological clock which I have to beat if I were up for it.

I think it was a few weeks after my birthday when I finally realized that, yes, I do want to have my own kid someday. I’m up for it! I’m just not so clear on how I’d go about it. Well I know how, roughly maybe, but that’s not what I meant by how.

In my crudely mapped master plan, I am going to have that wonderful kid to whom I hope to be ready to pour in all the love I can come up with given my lifetime. Never mind, if the kid won’t take care of me when I grow old and wrinkled. I’ve come to a stage in my humanity when I know for a fact that being a parent is not about investing on a living, breathing “insurance plan” to which one can endorse oneself upon hitting 60. You become a parent, do your darn best at it, and never ever expect anything in return.

What you get while continuing to become a parent despite minor attacks of senility, the love and care your kid/s shower you with, those are rewards, unexpected rewards. You become grateful but never cease being a parent because unlike other jobs, being somebody’s mom or dad doesn’t allow day-offs, resignations nor retirements. And there are no monetary compensations either.

I do have an idea what I’d be “giving up” if ever I’d choose to implement my so-called plan. Perhaps I’d only go on with it when I’m sure I have achieved the state of mind wherein I won’t see it as giving up anything. On the contrary, it will be more of changing priorities and taking the focus away from me in search of a more meaningful existence.

I know, I know. It’s pretty much idealistic. And I am well aware, too, that it is as much difficult as it is idealistic, if not more.

However, I have to worry about that later. The more pressing issue now is the missing factor in my master plan. I haven’t squeezed in a husband on my future family picture. Hence the conflict.

Most women, they spend a big chunk of their lives looking for the man made especially for them, the other piece that would make them whole, the other piece that would fit perfectly in their hearts.

Oh, how I wish I can be like them just so I can be spared from a murky happy-ever-after.

But I guess I wasn’t built to look or wait for my supposed prince. I’ve said it many times, how convenient it would have been if I were a lesbian. If that were the case, it would be easier to explain why I have never been romantically associated with a man.

I admire men and, at best, like them, too. I can appreciate them in ways I’d rather not appreciate a fellow woman. But hooking up with anyone of their kind is bleak where I am concern, especially since I’m not one who’s into the dating game.

I just can’t muster the effort it takes to put my best stiletto-decorated foot forward just to catch a guy’s attention. And I admit, I’m not best at trying to actively impress someone whom I may, despite me denying, be attracted to. Plus, I don’t really dance to the tune of flirting. If there’s anything, the whole courting ritual or lack thereof makes me laugh.

But, please don’t get me wrong. I am not entirely a moron at relating to men. I do talk to them and I do in fact have male friends. The straight ones certainly outnumber the gay ones. But that’s about it. Male friends.

So there. Having a husband, let alone a boyfriend really is impossible for someone like me. And it sucks because I know I will be forever scrutinized for such inability. Not that I care so much what others may say. I am just bothered why it can’t be as easy for me as it is for most people.

I don’t think I am incapable of liking another person, a man to be exact. I just lack the ingredient that would allow me to want to like someone. Add to that my feelings towards the conventional way of becoming part of a couple because, as I have been saying, the path which may bring me from merely liking someone to getting involved with that person—I find hilariously unnatural.

Maybe, I am an enlightened one where being a parent is concerned. I can almost convince myself I’d be a good mom someday. But I can hardly picture myself as somebody’s wife. And never becoming a wife sort of gets in the way of my chance to become a perfect mom.

Of course I can always adopt or be a single parent to my own biological child. But in either case, I will be just thinking about me. It most definitely is not the parent I would want to become. I would hate to deprive my child with a dad because I cannot be normal enough to need a man. Because I have too much pride to admit I need a man.

Needless to say, my refusal to co-exist with a man, as maybe nature and God would have it, disqualifies me from being the perfect parent I wish to become. I don’t seem to put in much effort in trying. Unlike single parents who most likely didn’t realize they’d end up rearing their kid/s alone. They get loads of points for wanting and needing their relationship to work. Sit me beside them and I’d shrink.

I don’t know when I’d get another epiphany, one that involves me needing a husband, only until then will my master plan be deemed unflawed.

Reality Gnaws

Whenever my parents go out their separate ways to attend to their social lives, which happens a lot, I am compelled to stay at home and babysit, or perhaps teen-sit, my brother. It used to be “brothers” but since our youngest died, I’ve been reduced to one charge which, although supposed to be easier, proves to be less entertaining and rewarding. No offense to my living brother—the one to whom I devote what-could-have-been-my-social-life who, by the way, hates me—well at least the “me” acting like a an older sister to him. Meanwhile, my other living younger brother who needs no babysitting—well, he works and, fortunately for him, he has a social life.

Lucky them who socialize!

Obviously, unlike them, I only have our house, the office and a few hours in school. When our house is crappy, I have the office or school. When both are pressure cookers, I have the house which is crappy.

Unlucky me.

Hallelujah for the internet where I can immerse myself into.

Fart! This is my absolute reality.

And, boy, it gnaws!

Simpsonize me!

Magdadrama sana ako, kaso masyado akong nawili dito sa Simpsonize Me.

So eto na lang...

Meet Battik Simpson (Hindi related kay Jessica Simpson--nyek!
nyek!)...

Unfortunately, magulo pa rin sa opisina. Although coexisting with lesser boxes na kami, di pa rin comfy. And, boy, is it hot!

As in paypay tayo mga kapatid!

Salamat na lang sa aking battery-powered Doraemon electric fan, brought to me by Char and Wendz, kahit papaano may hangin na kaunti kahit malayo ako sa isa sa dalawang electric fan na ininstall sa department namin! (Tama ba namang di pa nagrorotate yung isa?!?)

Salamat kay Nikka at sa rekomendasyon niya sa kanyang Friendster account tungkol sa "Simpsonize Me", I just forgot how hellishly hot the office was and how somewhat truly sad I am right now!

Sino pa’ng magsasalita?

Nagsalita na si Joey De Leon ukol sa drama ispeysyal ni Willie Revillame.



Maraming bumabatikos kay Joey. Kesyo bakit kailangan pa niyang magsalita? Mayroon pang mga patudtsada sa pagkatao niya.

Kinailangang sumagot ni Joey dahil hinamon siya ni Willie nang walang sapat na dahilan. Natural lamang na ipagtanggol niya ang kanyang sarili. Ginamit siya ni Willie para maibaling ang spotlight mula sa kapalpakan ni Willie at ng show niya patungo sa pagkatao ni Joey. Pinersonal ni Willie si Joey para magalit ang mga tao sa huli. Sa paraang iyon, na-guarantee ni Willie na sa kanya pa rin ang simpatya ng mga tagasunod nya. Kaya naman kalokohan ang sinabi niya kay Joey na, “Sa yo na ang ratings mo!” Dahil sa pagngawa niya na parang bata, ginawan na rin niya ng paraan para masiguradong di siya iiwan ng kanyang mga tagasunod.

Ngayon ako naman ang magbibigay ng aking kuru-kuro. Hindi ako nakikisali sa issue dahil lamang naaasar ako kay Willie, trip ko lang, tsismosa ako or uso kasi. Ginugugol ko ang aking panahon sa gulong ito dahil manonood rin ako. Bahagi rin ako ng masang Pilipino na nagpapatuloy sa kanilang mga tahanan ng mga artistang kagaya nina Willie at Joey sa pamamagitan ng pagbubukas ng telebisyon. At dahil doon, isa ako sa mga nainsulto sa mga pangyayari nitong mga nakaraang araw.

Unang una, nandaya man o hindi, dapat ay nag-offer ng paliwanag sina Willie at ang kampo niya dahil ang pagkakamaling naganap sa show nila ay tunay na hindi nakakatawa at lalong hindi nakakatuwa. Nauto na nina Willie ang maraming tao noon. Hindi man nila ginustong mamatay ang mga tagasunod nila noon sa Ultra, malaki pa rin ang pananagutan nila sa trahedyang iyon. Pasalamat na lang sila at marami pa rin ang nagbulag-bulagan at nagbingi-bingihan at patuloy na nanalig sa kanilang show. Kaya naman parang walang nangyari at patuloy ang saya sa Wowowee. After a tragedy like that, the last thing the Wowowee fans needed was for them to be cheated. Heto nga’t nalagasan na sila ng buhay, tapos malalaman-lamanan pa nila na posibleng may dayaan sa palabas na walang humpay nilang tinatangkilik mula Lunes hanggang Sabado.

Ang lagay kasi, hindi tanga ang mga tao gaya marahil ng iniisip nina Willie and company. Sasagi at sasagi sa kanilang isipan ang implikasyon ng mga bagay na nakikita nila kagaya nung nangyari sa umano’y pangalawang run ng game na Wilyunaryo. Hindi maikukubli na may anomalya sa nasabing game dahil kitang-kita naman siya at, salamat sa Youtube, pwede siyang panuorin ninuman ng ilang beses sa internet.

Pero hindi nagsalita ang mga dapat sana’y magpaliwanag ukol sa issue. Naunahan tuloy sila ng tsismisan sa text, sa internet at sa mga kanto ng kung anumang barangay. Naunahan din sila ng matalim at mapaglarong dila ni Joey de Leon na noon pa ma’y mahilig nang sumundot ng mga hayagang pasaring sa anumang issue na naiisip niya.

Siguro nga, napikon si Willie kaya inumpisahan niya ang kanyang show isang araw na mistulang batang inakusahan ng kalaro niyang nanggancho sa hatian ng kendi nilang magkakaibigan. Sa mga pagdadrama at pagmomonologue ni Willie, hindi niya ibinigay ang sagot sa tanong na “ano ba talaga ang nangyari?” Tinanggi niyang mandaraya siya at saka nagbuhos ng sama ng loob laban kay Joey. Period. Nasaan ang tamang pangangatwiran doon?

Sa mga na-touch sa mga sinabi ni Willie, mawalang galang na po. Punasan po muna ninyo ang mga luha ninyo at isipin kung ano nga ba ang sinasabi ng idolo ninyo kung meron man siyang sinasabi. Kayo po kasi ang biktima sa hindi niya pagpapaliwanag. Kayo ang maaaring niloko niya kung manloloko man siya. Sa inyo siya pumalpak kung pumalpak lang nga talaga siya at tunay na wala siyang intensyong manggulang.

Maraming problema si Willie sa buhay. Pero wala iyong koneksyon sa nangyari sa Wilyunaryo. Nakipaglamay si Willie sa mga kamag-anak ninyong namatay sa Ultra, isang bagay na dapat naman niya talagang gawin bilang isang tao at bilang mahalagang bahagi ng Wowowee, pero hindi nangangahulugan na abswelto na siya sa isang malaman na pagpapaliwanag. "Inaapi" si Willie ni Joey kaya naman mas lalong dapat sabihin ni Willie kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari.

Ang kaso ni Willie at ang ginawa niya ay isang simpleng ehemplo ng tinatawag na “pointing fingers”. Sa halip na talakayin niya kung anuman ang kinalaman niya o ang pagkainosente niya sa mga nangyari, nagturo na lang siya ng ibang tao na mababatikos ng mga sumasampalataya sa kanya. Kahit papaano ko tingnan, paling ang strategy na ito ni Willie.

Hindi tamang utuin ang mga tao, lalung lalo na yaong mga sadyang handang kumapit sa patalim para lamang mapaginhawa ang kanilang buhay o para lamang makalimot kahit panandalian sa kanilang mga tinitiis araw araw. Mas lalong masama ang lokohin sila. Kung tunay na number one sa puso ninyo ang ang inyong mga tagasubaybay, hindi ninyo sila babastusin sa pamamagitan ng pag-aassume na “hindi naman sila nag-iisip kaya OK na ang kunwaring paliwanag ko”; na "dadaanin ko na lang ito sa iyak”; na "hmm, sa iba ko na lang ibubuntong ang galit at sisi na maaari kong tanggapin dahil sa mga nangyari.”

OK lang na gawing sirkus ang mga palabas sa telebisyon basta wala itong tinatapakang batas at tao. Ang hindi OK ay pati ang katotohanan o ang panghahangad ng katotohanan ay gawing sirkus rin. Tumbukin na lang kasi ang totoo at nang marinig na ng taong bayan ang karapatan nilang marinig. Tama na yung asaran kung wala namang nasasagot sa mga mahahalagang tanong. Konting respeto naman sa masa—masa na handang tumagkilik sa anumang pagsisirku-sirko na ginagawa ninyo sa inyong mga show.

Marahil ikaw, Willie, at ang mga kasama mo sa show ang dapat talagang magsalita. Pero, please, sabihin ninyo ang mga ineexpect ng masa, ng inyong mga tagasubaybay, yung nararapat talaga nilang marinig.

Isang mahusay na pagpapaliwanag lang naman.

Hindi iyon mahirap kung tunay nga kayong inosente gaya ng sinasabi ninyo.

The Fallacy That is Willie

Fact: There had been an anomaly in Willie Revillame’s show called Wowowee, specifically in their then two-day old segment called Wilyonaryo.



Fact: This so-called anomaly happened sometime last week. (I have yet to research when exactly.) [Blogger's note: I heard today (08/31/07) that the blunder happened last August 18.]

Fact: This blunder, seen by all Wowowee followers, has spurred a controversy in the net where a video clip of the said segment has been posted for the entire world to see.

Fact: No statement had been released by anyone from Wowowee or from ABS-CBN, the carrier network of the show, to address the said controversy from the time it happened until Tuesday this week.

Fact: Joey De Leon, one of the many hosts of Eat Bulaga which is Wowowee’s noon-time rival, and is known for dropping playfully placed striking comments to anyone he spites, naturally seized the controversy and, as said by those who witnessed, did his deed.

Fact: In yesterday’s Wowowee telecast Willie spent the first part of his show partly claiming that he is no cheater and mostly attacking Joey de Leon for being mean to him in spite of him idolizing the veteran host.





Fact: Willie even insisted that if in fact he did something wrong, then he doesn’t care if the show’s fans leave him or if the ABS-CBN management fires him.

Fact: In Willie’s speech, he kept on saying, “wala naman akong ipapakita dahil hindi ako mandaraya” but he never proceeded on explaining what really happened with the purple wheel, the zero, and the two in that fateful game of Wilyonaryo.

Fact: In between showing Willie trying so hard to keep his tears, the director of the show managed to slide a few shots of the audience, weeping sympathetically for their beloved Willie.

Fact: I didn’t know of this issue, not until I saw, in last night’s news, video clips of Willie in what I perceived as “whining like a baby”.

Fact: I don’t know Willie or Joey personally, I am not in anyway affiliated to any of their shows nor any of their networks but I still feel compelled to share my opinion because I know that I am part of the viewing public who witness the circus they run on a daily basis.

Opinon: Whether ringmaster Willie or his staff is to fault for their game show’s blunder, they owe the public an explanation of what happened. If Willie and the staff of Wowowee really are loyal to their audience and put them first above all else just as they say, then they would muster the decency to look into the purple wheel anomaly at that instant when Willie pulled the black thing and revealed the number zero instead of the expected number two. They could have gone into a commercial break, discussed it among themselves and returned back to air to explain what just transpired. The issue would have died there. After all, we’ll all believe that it was just an honest mistake we saw.

But Willie and everyone around him acted like nothing big of a deal just happened thereby insulting the ability of their audience to assess what just took place right before their eyes. Once again, the viewers were taken as non-thinking Neanderthals, not keen enough to sense that in a way they’ve been had. The same way they’ve been had when 71 of their fellow TV show watchers died while a number of others were hurt for the same show in the hopes of improving their lives as promised by none other than Willie himself. And that tragic event which happened not too long ago is slowly being erased in the mind of the public as Wowowee seems to be moving on barely looking back, except of course when the issues on the court hearings are being raised.

Willie said in his speech strongly directed to Joey, “Sa yo na yung ratings mo!” delivered in such a way which couldn’t have been more childish. I take it as a total bull because being on television, ratings is inevitably everything for you. OK, he loves his audience, he wants to help, he wants to entertain. He can’t do that without his ratings! Ratings that will pave the way for the pouring in of advertisers. Advertisers that will give him the funds to continue loving his audience, helping them, and entertaining them.

In Willie’s monologue, he never delved into the incident which as he says Joey de Leon is attacking him for. He denied that he’s a cheater, tried to win the people’s sympathy by ostentatiously betting his career against being proven a cheater, then proceeded on attacking Joey like he were Joey’s neglected child.

Although Willie’s bravado had been noted it was really uncalled for. He could have just told the public what really happened thereby giving them the chance to think for themselves. Perhaps only then can they judge Willie. I cannot seem to reconcile why Willie had to drag Joey into his mess.

Joey de Leon has less to do with this issue. Perhaps his only mistake was playing with fire which Willie just turned into a torch. And Joey, being the opinionated person that he is was merely expressing his sentiment on simple TV ethics, being that he is a veteran at game shows himself. In a way he maybe protecting the image of contests on TV, one in which history he somehow is a part of. Or then again he may be just being his naughty self, playing the devil's advocate in the war of the networks.

Willie himself admitted that he’s a fan of Joey’s, even emulating the latter at times. It follows that he knows Joey’s quirks—that he has a penchant for uttering stingy remarks for the fun of it, if not also for the thrill of it. Willie should have been used to Joey’s game by now. He may get hurt but he shouldn’t go crying on TV. Unless of course if Joey poked him at a part of him which was exceptionally sensitive, perhaps even too sensitive to tackle upfront and is easier to address by digressing elsewhere.

Of course, ABS-CBN will not dump Willie this time. Not after releasing a statement today that the anomaly, the root of this issue is nothing but a technical glitch in their contest’s second run. They wouldn’t throw Willie out especially now that all of their credibility, integrity and all those –ities are at stake. Although their decision to speak now is rather late, isn’t it?

Let’s not deny that by yelling, “Joey, sige na, ikaw na ang number one!” Willie just won himself the lola wiping her tears, the misis ng tahanan controlling her sobs, and the rest of the studio audiences on the verge of weeping for him as zoomed in by their very attentive cameramen and director who must have excellent reflexes. Good strategy in Willie’s part. Perhaps he'll get a raise for that. If only he flooded the set with tears, then I would have crowned him the king of Argumentum ad Misericordiam (Argument that Appeals to Pity).

***NOTE: I opted to post Willie's moment here to highlight how daft-like he looked and to show the whole of his daft-like act.

****FINAL FACT: My dad whose name is also Willie is thinking of having his name changed. "Nakakahiya!" he says.

Oh, God I miss the Boy!

Namimiss ko talaga si Kulas.

Sa Linggo mag-40 days na siya. Ang tagal na since last ko sya nahawakan! Limited na lang ako ngayon sa pagtingin ng pictures at pagnood ng videos niya. Wala e, ganoon talaga!

Si Daddy, pagpinupunasan yung picture ni Nichi, kinakausap niya si Kulas at sinasabi, "Dong, hanggang punas na lang tayo. Di na kita mapapaliguan!"

Sounds funny pero I feel the pain in his statement.

Nung gabi bago sinintensyahan nung neurologist si Nichi (bago niya naibigay ang final interpretation ng EMG ni Nichi), di talaga ako nakatulog nang matino. Literally na naramdaman ko na may nakadagan sa puso ko. Di nga ako makahinga. Di lang ako nag-iingay dahil katabi ko si Nichi noon. Minsan nakakainis kasi sa mga nangyari, ramdam na ramdam ko na powerless ako. Sa lahat ng mga kaya kong gawin, wala doong makakapagpahaba ng buhay ni Nichi. Nag-pansit naman kami nung birthday niya! For long life sana kaso hindi sya nag-work.

Ewan ko ba! Magfoforty days na pero hindi pa rin maging tunay na normal ang buhay nang wala si Nichi. Somehow, may naiwan na void sa pagkatao ko nang mawala siya. Ang tapang ko pa naman noon dahil naisip ko, walang sinuman ang makakapag-iwan ng void sa akin. Pati pala yon hindi ko kayang kontrolin.

Minsan naiiyak pa rin ako. Kagaya nung weekend, nagbabasa ako ng lumang libro nang malaglag yung nakasingit na scratch paper kung saan nakasulat yung draft ng reaction paper ni Nichi sa isa sa mga story dun sa book. May mga reminders pa sa class nila sa gilid. Iba talaga si Kulas! marami syang ways para bulagain kami.

Nung isang linggo naman, paglipat ko sa dashboard ng blog ko, nakita ko sa isa sa mga tips na nakapost yung sample profile ng isang blogger. Ito yung pangalan niya:

"Tyrone Nicholas"...parang pinagsama yung pangalan naming dalawa.


Tapos nung isang beses naman na inanyayahan kami nung paring huling nagbasbas kay Nichi sa isang misa na para na rin sa kaluluwa niya, yung flags na naka-attach sa sides ng simbahan ay kulay green. Favorite color ni Nichi yon. Feel na feel tuloy yung presence niya doon sa simbahan. Nakakalungkot lang nga kasi yung misa na iyon ay dinaluhan ng mga estudyante sa eskwelhang malapit dun sa simbahan. Congregational mass nila kung baga. Sabit lang kami ni Mommy, kung hindi man special guest. Naisip ko tuloy, sayang! Sana isa na lang si Nichi sa mga bata doon. Healthy, kumakanta, nagsisimba habang nakikipagkwentuhan sa katabi niya.

Madalas naaalala ko si Kulas kapag ipinipikit ko na ang aking mga mata tuwing gabi. Naiisip ko kung ano ang mga huling bagay na sumagi sa kanyang isipan habang nararamdaman niya ang papalapit na pagwawakas ng kanyang buhay. Siguro takot na takot iyon. Sana talaga yung pagtayo ko at paglapit sa kanya tuwing naalimpungatan ako dahil gising siya, sana kahit papaano, nakatulong iyon para maibsan ang takot nya. Nagsisisi nga ako. Sana nakipagsiksikan na lang ako sa kama niya at nang may katabi siya sa huling magdamag niya sa mundo. Sana rin hindi na lang ako umalis sa kwarto kung nasaan siya nung buong araw ng July 24. E di sana naipadama ko sa kanya sa huling pagkakataon na lab na lab ko siya. Yun yung mga bagay na pinagsisisihan ko.

Sumasagi rin sa isip ko kung tama ba ginive up namin sya? Kasi sinasabihan na namin siya noon na magpahinga na kung pagod na talaga siya. Kitang kita naman kasi kung papaano binugbog ng sakit niya yung katawan niya. Kaya naman nung mga oras na iyon, pinakamainam na sa kanya ang magpahinga na lang. Hindi siyempre madali sa amin ang pagpahingahin na siya pero yun ang kailangan naming tiisin kesa naman tuluyan pang maghirap si Nichi. Hindi kasi iyon kagaya last year na kahit hirap siya, mararamdaman mo na may pag-asa pa. Na kaya pang lumaban.

Ang nahihirapan lang akong tanggapin e yung fact na gusto pa talaga ni Nichi mabuhay. Two weekends before nga siya pumanaw, umiyak siya sa amin ni Dad while telling us na wala nang adventure ang buhay niya. Kasi nga naman parati na lang siya natutulog. Nakakaawa talaga kasi kung siya ang masusunod, gusto niya yung buhay na laging on the go. More than double yung sakripisyo niya nang mabedridden siya.

Sana talaga dun sa mga huling oras ni Nichi e napawi na ang takot niya kaya he chose na rin to succumb to death. Mukha namang naging maaliwalas na ang mukha niya matapos siyang mabasbasan ng pari. Kaya umaasa ako na hindi na siya takot nung mga huling minuto niya.

Yun yata ang hirap kapag di nako-coma o naguulyanin ang pasyente. Up to the last minute alam niyang ang mga nangyayari sa kanya. Up to the last minute din natetest ang tapang niya.

Matapang si Nichi. Pinakita niya yon sa maraming tao. Siguro habang nabubuhay ako, hindi ko malilimutan yung bukod tanging lakas ng loob na sa kanya ko lang nakita. Hanep talaga!

Sa kabila naman ng lahat ng nangyari, ang daming tao talaga ang tumulong sa amin. Kaya naman ito ang isang thank-you note na inihanda ko para sa kanila:

Sana sa pamamagitan niyan, maramdaman nila kung gaano namin naapreciate ang lahat ng ginawa nila para sa kapatid ko. Sana rin makita nila kung gaano ka-gwapo si Nichi kahit ano pa man ang look na iniisport niya.

Yung mga masasayang pictures ni Nichi na madalas kong tingnan ngayon at yung mga kalokohan (tricks) niya sa mga video ang nagpapangiti sa akin ngayon. Yon yung tumutulong sa akin para maiwasan ko yung pakiramdam na gusto kong mag-amok dahil di ba, nawalan ako, hindi lang ng kung anong bagay lamang kundi ng isang kapatid na napakadaling mahalin at napakahirap kalimutan. Somehow feeling ko nadaya o naisahan ako. Basta, obvious ang reasons sa minsang galit na nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko siya maipaliwanag ng malinaw. Kaso, kahit ano pang tantrums ang gawin ko, hndi naman na maibabalik si Nichi.

Noong birthday ko nitong nakaraang June, sinabi ko kay Nichi, "Lab na lab na lab na lab na lab na lab... na lab kita!" Tapos tinanong ko siya, "Ikaw lab mo ako?"

"Lampas pa doon." Sabi niya. Nakaka-touch talaga.

Sinabihan ko pa nga siya, "Pwede ka nang magkagirlfriend. Ang galing mong mambola!" Pero siyempre deep inside, naiiyak ako kasi pinahahalagahan ako ng utol ko more than pa pala sa pagpapahalagang ibinibigay ko sa kanya.

Tapos kapag naman nagpapa-embrace ako sa kanya at ayaw na niyang tumayo para yakapin ako sinasabi na lang niya sa akin habang nag-bu-beautiful eyes, "Bukas na lang."

O, siya Nichi, darating din ang bukas na maeembrace kita ulit. Magpapakabait ako at nang mapunta rin ako jan sa bago mong tambayan. Lagi mong tatandaan na sa gitna ng crazy emotions ko until today, lab na lab na lab na lab na lab...na lab pa rin kita!

Mission: Vision

I bought myself my third pair of contact lenses last Tuesday, not because I have cash to burn—in fact I don’t. Plastic money saved me again—well-er not really save. When I think about it now, my debt just piled up. Holy crap!

But I need the lenses badly. I ended up choosing to worry about how I’d pay for it later.

Yes I still have my eyeglasses but the world is absolutely better without it and with an almost perfect vision. Having worn a pair of eyeglasses since I think 2001 doesn’t make me a compliant wearer of the so-called spectacles. I wear them because I need to, never because I want to.

The first time I wore a pair of eyeglasses, I had to get used to seeing the world this way:

The two frames tend to merge, creating a rectangular frame. The budge (part of the bifocals just above the bridge of the nose) disappears when you’re wearing
the glasses.

Beautiful sceneries are framed by the eye wires (the material that surrounds the glasses). It’s kind of restricting. My brother has been convincing me to buy those frames with no eye wires as they wouldn’t hide my face aside from allowing me to see the world as it is. But a friend of mine has been advised by her ophthalmologist to get glasses with eye wires that have the capacity to absorb shock when your face hits something. It will prevent the glasses from shattering into pieces and sticking to your eyeballs in case of any accidental impact. Eww.

I’d much rather look nerdy than risk getting tiny pieces of prescription lenses inside my eyes.

Needless to say, all four of my eyeglasses came with eye wires. Unfortunately, I cannot show them all to you since I lost my first eyeglasses the morning of my college graduation day. Tsk tsk. It would have been a nice artifact to keep. Losing it forced my mom to buy me my second pair.

I switched to using contact lenses after my second eyeglasses. I used my Youngblood honorarium to purchase them. Mostly, I got them out of curiosity thus explaining my second thoughts while I was struggling to put them on and off my eyes. They served their purpose though. I felt normal again after I got over the weird feeling of having thin film of plastics touching my eyes for a maximum of 16 hours.

I kept those lenses and somehow preserved them although not in their original state. Soft lenses actually harden when they dry up. Good thing they managed to keep their shape. Here are they now:

A closer look:

Contact lenses, however, cannot stand alone. You would eventually need a good pair of eyeglasses ready in case you can’t slip the lenses as fast and as easily as you should. Thus, me getting my third spectacles, one which proved to be a bad investment. Most of the time, eyeglasses are more expensive than contacts—that is if you do not add in the expenses for solutions and eye lubricants. So here’s a tip. Find a sturdy frame made of materials that won’t react to your skin and sweat. Based on experience, metal and rubber on the temples (the hook over the ears) are a no no. Metal tarnishes from the acidic nature of anyone’s perspiration. On the other hand, rubber melts. Ultimately, you’ll get your money’s worth if your eyeglasses lasts throughout a whole year unscathed.

With the case of my third eyeglasses, its rubber temples melted roughly four months after I first wore it. So I ventured back to contacts lenses, primarily because they are cheaper to purchase. But, as I have previously said, they require maintenance which isn’t too pricey anyway. Plus contacts are more convenient—that is, once they’re in place. It really takes time, patience and luck to become a master at maneuvering them on your eyes.

Before my second pair of contacts reached its expiration date, I accidentally ripped one of them, probably when I tried storing it. I filled my contacts' case with too much solution causing the now-damaged lens to float and get in the way of me twisting the case’s cap on. Yikes!

I found a cheap frame which was originally molded for fashion sunglasses. I saw its potential as a good frame for my fourth eyeglasses. I opted to invest on multi-coated lenses instead—a bit costly but is worth it because of the UV protection and antiglare features it promises.

Heavy rains however place eyeglass wearers to a disadvantage, if not danger, because rainwater tend to cover a nearsighted (or farsighted) person’s vision. If you get what I mean, you’d understand why I have wished on so many rainy times for my eyeglasses to come with wipers. Since my demand for such gadget has not been properly addressed yet, I was compelled to get my third pair of contacts.

Now I am putting them on and off like a pro! (Finally!) Afterwards I sometimes shriek, “I’ve got perfect vision!”

Well, almost!

The sad fact beneath all these is that my eyeballs are probably growing fatter and fatter which explains the gradual progress with regard my myopia (nearsightedness). And believe me, I did my fair share in loading a healthy dose of Vitamin A.

I just hope to be able to hang out at the beach for a few more times before I become too much of an artificial-lens dependent.