It's nice to be back

Imagine me saying it the way Robin Padilla would.

Honestly, I wasn't too psyched on going home yet. My mind was set on October 6. I was looking forward to becoming one of the welcome committee members for my younger brother when he gets to Singapore, participating in Yzee's first birthday, undergoing a few more interviews in Singaporean companies that eventually wouldn't take me in, and flying home with my brother and taking crazy pictures in the plane.

For those reasons and some I'd rather not mention, I was a bit sentimental on my trip back home. I felt like I've become a premature cast away, being sent off even before my time.

On the other hand, I was excited to come home. To see the rest of my family, to reunite with my friends, to go back to Megamall's welcoming arms (naks!--which I did today. hehe), to send text messages for one peso only, to spend using the currency I am more familiar with (I swear, foreign coins can be confusing!), and to look to my left first when crossing the street.

Then there's the job thing. Three weeks ago, I was already picturing myself carrying out the job I have always wanted for myself, here in the land where I was born. I was itching to find out if I will have the chance to do it all again, now that I am starting with a clean slate. A part of me cheers whenever the thought of working for a Filipino company crosses my mind. Chances are, it wouldn't make me rich (I'm talking based on experience) but what the heck is money for if I'm happy anyway? Right?

To tell the truth, I feel like it's after college all over again. The possibilities are just twinkling yet at an arm's reach.

Yesterday, as soon as the wheels of our plane touched the ground, the lady sitting behind me said, "Pilipinas, binalikan din kita." Then she proceeded on singing, "Ang bayan kong Pilipinas"--at least the first stanza.

I realized, I'm lucky, I wouldn't have to miss the Philippines as badly as people like her did. After all, I've only been gone 89 days.

So with a semi-crushed spirit of a frustrated tour guide/Ate, a stage Tita and punong abala, and an OFW wannabe, I'd still say, "It's nice to be back."

At the Immigration form of sorts which I had to accomplish before alighting the plane, beside the "Purpose for coming to the Philippines" blank, I wrote, "I'm coming home!"

I would have added a smiling face but I figured that the exclamation mark would do.

The Tribe Has Spoken, Please Leave the Island

I have -officially been voted off the island and I am coming home. I am composing this piece at the free internet station at the Singapore terminal.

As of the moment I have 11 minutes 46 seconds to finish my exit speech.

Singapore was good while it lasted. On the apparent level, it is clear that I didn't get what I came here for. I did not win the jackpot. But who knows? There may be something I must have been looking for which I did find, only I don't realize it yet.

I am thankful for what my Singapore experience has brought me, what it has taught me, what it made me see.

I am thinking that a chance like this wouldn't happen to me again anytime soon. And I am glad that, in whatever way I could afford, I've maximized my stay here, savored everything I can, see as far down the horizon my vision would reach, floaters and all.

Big thanks to Ate Win , Kuya Wah, Yzee, Nina and Ate Tata for being nice to me all throughout my stay.

Salamat! Salamat.

My time has come to come home. I've packed my knives and I am leaving the runway.

The galactic bell has rung. Boarding time! (Pinas, here I come.)

Spilling out UP

Fresh from an all-girls Catholic school a good 10 years ago, I braved my new world, called UPLB, with fingers crossed. I had little idea what to expect until a few buzzes which managed to reach me. One said that the facilities in UP are trapped in the Jurassic era. Another warned me that classes like math and science are being taught in straight Filipino so I should prepare to fail simply due to language constraints. One claimed that the professors are weird; they would either drive me crazy or convert me to their kind. Then another prophesized that my classmates would be composed of frat men, sorority girls and naïve students with tampipi as their bags.

I wish I could be UP’s representative in debunking the “myths” that came piling up before me the moment I received my student number. But the thing is, I can only give you testimonials that will support these said “myths.”

The University of the Philippines, given that it is under the government’s claws, can only afford so much in offering its students the latest technology that supplements a class. We’re lucky we had some overhead projectors, TV sets and video players in UPLB despite budget cut-downs from the government. We all learned to maximize what we had, and to improvise when needed. Once, two of my classmates brought their own TV set and VCD player just so we could push through with our film showing since all of our few AVRs were booked.

The bit about failing classes taught in Filipino is a little extreme. I take it as a hasty excuse at failing. But the speaking in Filipino part is true. As much as we were expected to be fluent in English, UP made sure that its students were well-anchored to our roots, our language. Some of my math, science and even Philosophy classes indeed used Filipino as the language of instruction. Doing so sort of lifted our language to a higher level. From using it by instinct like we do when conversing with our peers, I got to use Filipino in a more structured and formal light. It prepared me in using the vernacular professionally. Plus, I find it awkward mastering a second language when I fumble with my own native tongue.

Now the UP professors and instructors are another case. Imagine how much passion it requires to work with salaries which are surely lower compared with the pay these brilliant UP teachers may get if they teach at private universities. I’d like to believe that our UP faculty do their job mostly out of love. They are geniuses who so easily get absorbed in their field and their hunger for knowledge and beyond. Sometimes, their enthusiasm are so contagious, I cannot help but dig them by heart. In some cases, though, too much of their passion drive students nuts. But isn’t that how we remember our mentors. How they tormented us so that we can be the best persons we can be.

It is true that in a UP classroom, you get to sit with frat men, sorority girls, and, if I may use the term, promdis. Most of the time, these group of people are just victims of common stereotypes. And just like UP, they people are more than what they seem. If there’s anything, some of them have become my friends, and I learned to respect individuality and regional accents through them.

Since UP is huge, the students are more diverse than some realize. I’ve even had classmates from yet “other” general classifications: the Goths, the preachers, the go-getters, the slackers, the coños, the jologs, the tibaks (slang for “aktibista”), the what-you’re-from-UP-? type, the nerds, the socialites, and the ordinary ones—to name a few. Becoming buddies with them is a continuous string of surprises. You’d be astonished at what you’ll discover once you get to know these people personally and eventually peek inside the boxes society labeled for them.

They surely made my UP experience richer. Prior to graduating, I was able to mingle with a cross-section of the real world right inside of my UPLB classroom. It was more than just an eye-opener. It was a blessing.

After I was able to see through whatever preconceived notion outsiders had on UP, it became easy for me to build a life in that new world I found myself in 10 years ago. It was a humbling place that taught me to survive because spoon-feeding doesn’t work in a world where things don’t come easy. UP had its distinct way of reminding me to think of my country among other things. It gave me the chance to fly under the wings of some of the best scholars in our land. Most of all, UP allowed me to meet real people from whom I learned little and big things—from commuting all the way to Malacañang, laying out a print ad in a snap, knowing the chemical composition of a stick of Gudang Garam, to eating at the most sulit spots just to get by with a few pesos inside my pocket.

UP had shown me, in more ways than one, how there always is a real side to what we think we know. My campus had been generous in educating me, not just by simply bombarding me with scholarly texts while I’m pinned inside a four-walled classroom, but by showing me how the world could be and might be. And that our world doesn’t have to be perfect all the time, yet we can work around its flaws to get to where we want to go and become who we want to be. When we do, the rewards prove to be extra sweet.

I know that the circumstances we have to face in our lifetime, the labels we have to live with or disprove, they are life’s attempts to mold us. But the important thing I learned in UP is the possibility of spilling out of those molds, rather than be restricted by them. To peel off labels, when needed, in order to grow and survive without compromising ourselves.

I will forever be honored to have been shaped by UP. And in so being I am confident that I have taken a form which is rather my own.

My First and Last Saturdays at Sentosa

My first Saturday here, Ate Win and the rest of the family brought me to Sentosa. We didn’t stay long, after wading at the Siloso beach and missing the Songs of the Sea show. We all thought we’d save exploring the park when Soy and the rest of Kuya Wah’s family were. We would have had a one time, big time trip by then.



But circumstances changed, hence my last Saturday at Sentosa. I’ll let the pictures I took tell the day’s story.

Instead of taking the monorail like we did before, we now hopped on a cable car.



Cable car passes through one of those imperfect triangular holes.



Look down below!



Among others, these are two grounds to fall unto. Hehe.





The Imbiah Lookout is the drop off point of the cable car ride. This part of Sentosa has eight attractions that are at a walking distance from each other: Cable car, Carlsberg Sky Tower, The Merlion, Images of Singapore, Luge and Skyride, Cineblast, 4D Magix, and Butterfly Park and Insect Kingdom.







Yzee looking pretty while waiting for the bus that will take us to the Dolphin Lagoon.



Dolphin!



A Sentosa intersection.



Hotdog King daw siya. Kabarkada kaya niya si Burger King?



Pagala-galang ibon.



Few snippets inside the Underwater World

Yellow sea horse.



Crustacean version of Grey’s Anatomy.



Mga nakadali kay Dory na sinave ni “Jellyman.”



A kababayan has become a household name.



The tram ride which brought us from the Underwater world to Siloso Beach for the Songs of the Sea Show.



Stage for Songs of the Sea.



I loved the lights on the floor.



Trip to Palawan.



Empty bus. Kami lang ang sakay. When we got off, the driver said something like, “Salamat sa pagsakay.” Pinoy pala siya!



This probably is my last view of Sentosa. (Or is this Vivo City already?)



I really did enjoy Sentosa more this time around. I’d like to thank Ate Win and Kuya Wah for making the last-minute tour possible.

The Air Out There and More

Tinapos ko na ang invitation ni Yzee. Inapprove naman nina Ate Win at Kuya Wah. I’m glad because natuwa sila sa nagawa ko. Now, the invitations are out. They are serving their purpose. Good to know.



Finally, I’ve ended my Kwentong Peyups which I started 6 August. Pero yung conclusion niya I wrote eight months earlier. While the first draft to this piece na nakalahati ko na not later than June this year, I totally scrapped out. It seemed na wala siyang future and it was depressing. I am just glad I salvaged the August version. Kakasend ko lang sa kanya sa people concerned. I am hoping it serves its purpose, too. Para naman I will make my mark sa centennial year celebration ng UP. Good luck sa akin. (I may post my Kwentong Peyups here next time.)

I have a couple more of my self-commissioned articles (and maybe stories) which I hope to finish soon. Kahit siguro sa first week ko ulit sa Pinas. You realize that I’m airing these here so that I could commit myself to these projects. You see, the problem with writing on your own free will is setting the deadline which your free will will willingly beat.

Naisip ko, since I’ve accomplished 2 things sa first half ng day, I deserved strolling around to take another good look at Singapore. So I set off to see more of this country and take in as much of it as I can.

I let my happy feet take me wherever it willed. And I ended up heading towards Esplanade – Theaters on the Bay. I won’t be watching any plays here after all. Siguro dapat i-try ko muna sa Meralco theater or sa CCP. Kung baga, try your own muna.

I found my way up the theater and out the rooftop. Rewarding siya because, bukod sa mahangin, it was peaceful up there. Pwede kang magmunimuni. Para siyang likod ng main lib ng UPLB. Complete with people reading at couples na nag-uulayaw. Actually, may library talaga just below kaya same feel talaga.

What else did I see?

The Durian roof which isn’t so high when you’re actually standing on the rooftop.



The Esplanade Bridge, the Fullerton Hotel with several other buildings behind it, and the Merlion Park. Look closely and you’ll see that this time, the big Merlion is spewing out water. It was under renovation when I arrived almost three months ago. I wanted to go there today but it started to drizzle and it was quite a long walk from the Esplanade to there and back. I aborted the idea. Perhaps I’ll reschedule seeing it before I leave.



Mandarin Oriental, the Singapore Flyer, and a portion of the circuit and, I think, a pit stop which will be used for the SG Grand Prix. They say that the F1 Race here, which will be held three days after I leave, will be the world’s first night race. You may notice the scaffolding along the road which holds really bright night lights. Neat!



The outdoor theater at the Esplanade grounds and the other of the island undergoing construction.



Then of course there’s me.



One thing I discovered about myself when I came here is that I am not afraid of heights. I can stand at the top of a tall building and I won’t hesitate to look down. I guess it’s because I’m not afraid to fall. Well, perhaps I am afraid of hitting the ground and breaking my bones, but I am not afraid to feel the wind on my face while the earth pulls me close to its heart.

Two more photos inside the Esplanade: the wall filled with masks and opposite it, the library.





Inside the Esplanade Mall, which smelled good, refreshingly good, several white paper lanterns hung at the ceilings. They looked nice.



Meanwhile outside, red lanterns decorated some posts.



Later, I met my sister and spent some time with her in the middle of the five Suntec towers as we stared at the so-called Fountain of Wealth until the sun finally set.




Then Ate and Kuya Wah treated me to a Pepper Lunch dinner.



We walked around, ate ice cream, went back to the Fountain of Wealth, and read our “future” based on our Chinese Zodiac. Mine sucked. Basically it said I won’t have a promising career for the rest of the year. Parang gusto ko yatang sabihing, "kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan???" And the winning two lines go: “This is a good year to retreat from your endless struggle in career to spend time with your family. Have a kid if you want.”

A kid? Ayoko nga.

Again the cosmos, has its way of making me the butt of its jokes. Ang panalo doon, maski ako natatawa na. As I’ve said, nasasanay na ako.

We didn’t proceed to Clarke Quay, as originally planned. It’s not like the place would cheer me up. Call me boring but for some reason, I’m not built for gimik spots like Clarke Quay, or maybe even Malate. If there’s anything, places like those depress me. It just amplifies how I feel different than others, how in some way I feel like something in me doesn’t belong. Basta napapa-emote ako. Hindi ko maexplain.

We didn’t go anywhere new yet time flew too quickly. But I didn’t notice it. Until it was time to go home.

And then on the way to the City Hall MRT station, I saw this macho-man mannequin which didn’t look manly at all. Natawa ako.



In fairness, kahit hindi ako in the best of moods, may natitira pa rin naman akong sense of humor kahit papaano.

Do I dare and do I dare?

(Intentionally posted late to ensure limited readership.)

No matter how I sugarcoat the recent turn out on my attempt to leap, a part of me will always know that I failed. No matter how I may feel the urge to curse people for rejecting me without giving me the chance to prove myself, what I can do, and how good I can be, I will always blame myself for not making it. No matter how a part of me is excited to come home, another part of me grieves for not being able to get what I came here for.

It has always been who I am. The person who beats herself up too much for both little and big things that have gone wrong. I am not keen on seriously pointing fingers especially when I know that I am the one responsible. Maybe as a joke, I do, but at the end of the day, I blame me. I know that for sure by now.

And I know that I promised a good friend that I will only give myself a day or two to be sad but I’ll let this low point slip.

I dared to put myself in this situation, took a leap, and gambled on what-could-have-been-something-good. But my efforts were obviously not enough. I really can’t help but feel unrewarded, not too mention think of myself as a dumbass. Now I’m daring myself to apologize to those whom I have disappointed.

My brothers, especially Soy, to whom I uncommittingly promised better things.

My sister who (hindi naman sa nagfefeeling kailangan niya ako but) may have looked forward to a relative live close by her.

My parents for failing at giving them the chance to be proud of me.

Yzee for missing her first birthday and failing to share the skills I could have easily contributed to add fun to her birthday. (This factor makes leaving extra hard for me.)

My SG family who welcomed me, took me in and trusted me.

The people who sent me off and had strong hopes that I would breeze through my job hunting adventure.

Those who cheered for me and believed in me and thought I really was THAT good.

Other OFW wannabes for being a living proof that not everyone makes it.

Myself for doing it again. For coming out short. For sitting on the wall and setting myself up for one of my great falls.

I dare and I dared. I’m guessing another bold action won’t hurt.

I will still dare pick myself up after this. After all, life goes on. And although I may allow myself to fail occasionally, losing, for me, is entirely a different matter. That I won't allow to happen.

( We can all scream, "Go, team Monica!" now.)

Bringing Order in my Chaos

With a load of shattered dreams in my head, I needed to prod the left hemisphere of my brain to work and come up with the closest-to-brilliant-first-birthday-invitation-I-could-whip-up for my niece.

At least now I am too busy to sulk. Well, my eyes and fingers are.

I have somehow been the invitation-maker of the family. We all have to put my years of working at a greeting card company to use. So from my sister’s wedding invites to her baby’s baptism’s invites, I took over the invitation department.

What’s different this time around? I am not using a mouse, let alone a stylus. I am reduced to a touch pad. (The mouse ate lent me seems busted. It proved to be relatively easier to stretch the fingers of my left hand and hold several keys, including the counterpart of a mouse’s left click all at once while my other hand scrolls around the pad.)

What else? I am supposed to pull things off using Adobe Photoshop alone. I badly need Illustrator for some tricks. So I downloaded a trial version of Illustrator. I got the most recent variety (CS3). I ended up sort-of flabbergasted at the new environment. I could only ogle at the new interface. Thanks to Kate, I found out how to go about Photoshop. At least may bago akong natutunan. And I did the invitation with Photoshop alone.

For a change, I didn’t apply anywhere today. I just did the first option for Yzee’s invitation. (I shall not post it just yet because it might spoil the suspense. I wouldn't want to blow Ate's surprise.) I hope to come up with a better one tomorrow.

Just in case today’s order doesn’t pass.