Consumer Alert

Babala: Ang pangalan ng mga establisyamentong tutukuyin ko ay hayagan ko na ring babanggitin tutal, blog ko naman ito at mga ka-close ko lang naman ang magbabasa nito. Sa gayong paraan, mailalayo ko sa mga k_pal na kumpanyang ang mga taong malapit sa akin. Sa gayon (ulit) di na sila mabibiktima pa.

Umuusok na ang ilong ko sa Globe Telecom na yan! Dalawang beses kong chinek sa 211 kung paano magpareactivate ng napasong roaming. Ayon sa dalawang nakausap ko sa magkaibang gabi (take note: 2x akong nag-consult sa 211 because I wanted to make sure that I get all the details right), kailangan lang ng minimum na P500.00 load ng roamer tapos tatawag lang ako sa hotline nila para magrequest ng manual activation ng nasabing service. Sabi pa nila, highly recommended nila ang Autoloadmax sa pagrereload. Di man lang nila ako winarningan na by loading through Autoloadmax, sinasubject ko ang precious P500.00 ko sa maagang expiration! Sa buong pakikipagusap ko sa mga operators na ‘to ang bukod tanging sinabi nila sa akin ay maximum of 30 days pwedeng i-on ang roaming na pwede pa ngang ipa-extend ng dalawa pang 30 days. Tapos, inexplain nga nila sa akin yung rule sa “grace period” (yun yung time na di pwedeng i-on ang roaming ng isang handyphone) pero di nila sinabi sa akin na bagaman bago ang mga rules nila ay mag-aaply na ito sa phone na inaaplyan ko ng roaming, therefore di pa pwedeng mag-roaming yung nunber na yon.. Tapos matapos kong magpa-autoload ng total of P500.00 sa roamer ko, doon ko lang nadiscover na di pa pwedeng ipa-on ang roaming ng number na pinaparoaming ko dahil sa “grace period” rule at 15 days ko lang pala mapapakinabangan ang P500.00 at hindi 90 days o at least 30 man lang.

Mga tuso sila! Making great things possible my ass! They misled me by “missing out” on important details sa instructions nila. Mas accurate yatang sabihing na-gancho nila ako. Apat na sunud-sunod na gabi na akong nagfofollow up wala pa rin silang aksyon. Sa bawat follow up ko, kailangan kong irelay, from the start, ang buong kwento ko. Hmp! Tapos limang “please wait for 24 hours” lang ang naririnig ko sa kanila. Mapapamura ka talaga ng Tagalog!

In fairness, never akong nakipag-away sa operators nila. Malumanay (na may kasamang supressed gigil) kong sinabi na di naman biro ang maglabas ng P500.00 tapos di ko sya mapapakinabangan. Lagi akong polite sa pakikipagusap ko sa kanila kahit na nagmumura na ang subconscious ko. May isang nag-attempt mag-console sa akin by saying, “magload na lang po kayo using a call card before ma-off ang roaming.” Ngek! Ano ako?! Tungaw? Nasayang na nga pera ko, magsasayang pa ako ulit? OK lang sila? May isa namang nagsabi sa akin, “Ma’am don’t worry po sure naman pong maaaprove ang special request n’yo for the activation of your roaming service at least bago maexpire yung niload nyo.” Pa’no kung the day before maexpire yung niload ko pa lang ma-approve ang raoming? Don’t worry pa rin? Isang araw ko lang ma-eenjoy yung P500.00 ko, don’t worry?

The thing is, O.C. ako pagdating sa rules and instructions kaya I make sure naiintindihan ko ang isang bagay bago ako magproceed sa anumang gagawin ko. Yun pala malinlinlang ako ng hidden truths from well-trained Globe call center agents. Di ko man lang na sense na may catch ang lahat ng sinabi nila sa akin. Na kaya Autoloadmax ang nirerecommend nila ay dahil mas madaling mag-expire yon at mas mapapabilis ang pagrereload ko. At kaya di nila sinabi sa akin na di pa pala ma-o-on ang roaming ng number na inaaplyan ko ng roaming ay dahil atat na ata na silang magka P500.00. Tama nga naman, magkakapera sila without being obliged to render their services in return. Easy money!

Kung sino man ang may direct line kay Mr. Palengke, I really need your help. Binggo na talaga sa akin ang Globe! Masyado silang manlinlang! Dati nabiktima na nila ako ng promo nila with Hershey’s. Yung you’ll get Hershey’s goodies once you make your first call using your new SIM. But you’ll have to wait for their text and guess what? Di nila ako tinext. Nung nagreklamo ako, sabi lang nila, they can’t give me the goodies because I didn’t receive the text from them. They dismissed immediately after saying that sentence--no apologies whatsoever. Tapos, they kept on sending me ringtones, I never requested which took away P15.00 from me--that is P15.00 for every unwanted ringtone they sent me. Di lang ako ang niloloko nila, lahat ng Globe subscribers din. Isipin mo na lang, di mo ma-cacall ang toll-free customer service (211) nila pag wala kang load. Tama ba naman ‘yon? Is that the way to treat loyal subscribers? Di mo sila mare-reach pag di mo sila pinapa-rich! I can rant forever pero eto na lang ang final words ko para sa Globe, “matakot naman kayo!”

* * *

Di ko akalaing matyetyempuhan ko ang expired food sa anumang kainan sa foodcourt ng Megamall. Natripan kong kumain ng Yakisoba sa Tokyo Teriyaki House. First time ko kumain dun although I am aware na kapatid lang nila ang Tokyo Tokyo. So yun na nga, binigay na nila sa akin yung order ko which was a bit disappointing dahil ang liit lang pala nya compared dun sa nasa picture. Wish ko lang talaga makatapat ng isang customer na mala Micheal Douglas sa movie na “Falling Down” ang lahat ng foodchains. Nag-amok (with baril and all) kasi si Michael Douglas nang i-serve sa kanya ang isang soggy burger gayong sa picture the burger was “plump, juicy and three inches thick.”

Anyway, pwede nang pagtyagan yung yakisoba. Pwede na kung di weird ang amoy nya. Pag tikim ko, maasim sya. I asked my two friends to taste it and they too found it funny. So bumalik ako sa counter medyo parang natatawang ewan yung girl na nagbigay sa akin nung spoiled yakisoba. Dumating naman yung manager to tell me na papalitan nila. After ten years, they gave me my Yakisoba. No sorry came with it pero meron yatang, “Thank you for waiting. Enjoy your meal.”

Great! Tapos nang kumain yung mga kasama ko!

* * *

Syempre another kamalasan na naman ito. Ang totoo nyan, nagmamadali ako kaso, naantala na ako dahil sa ten years-in-the-making na di panis na yakisoba. So medyo mas nagmamadali na ako nang magpunta ako sa National Bookstore (sa Megamall pa rin). May hinahanap akong libro, yung compilation ng “Kiko Machine.” Dumirecho muna ako sa section ng mga humorous comic books. Wala saya doon so I decided to seek help sa customer’s service. Ang tagal kong naghintay kasi nawala sa post nya yung girl na assigned sa computerized hanapan ng libro. Tapos nung dumating sya, parang sya pa ata ang telephone operator kaya mas bumagal pa ang work nya. Eventually may personal call pa sya kaya tumagal ulit. Noong turn ko na para i-serve nya, di na nya chineck sa computer yung book. Excited niyang sinabi sa akin, “Ma’am andun lang po iyon sa Humor section, kasama ng mga Pugad Baboy.” Sinabi ko na kakagaling ko lang doon at wala siya. Sabi nya pa-side ang pagka-stack nung libro and manipis lang ito kaya baka di ko nakita. Syempre pinuntahan ko ulit yung pinanggalingan kong section pero wala talaga yung book. So humingi ako ng tulong dun sa isa pang girl na nag-aayos ng book. Sabi nya andyan lang daw at saka hinayaan nya akong maghanap. Parang close kami! So hanap ako ulit pero wala. Medyo nakahalata na ako na dapat tinutulungan nya ako kaya nilapitan ko sya ulit. Tinanong ko sya, “kanino ba talaga ako pwedeng magpatulong?” Actually, elliptical question yon. Ang buong question is, “since ayaw mo akong tulungan, kanino ba talaga ako pwedeng magpatulong?”

She got a clue and helped me. At bilang pambawi, nagtawag pa siya ng dalawa pang berks to find the holy grail…ay “Kiko Machine” lang pala! Finally chineck na nung girl na assigned sa computerized hanapan ng libro kung available ba yung book. Barabing! Out of stock! Ang galing talaga.

* * *

Malas ba ako? Parang all I’m doing lately is “waiting.” Unfortunately Godot never came sa tatlong stories ko--walang magandang balita sa Globe, walang sorry from Tokyo Teriyaki House, at wala yung libro sa National Bookstore (pati sa Powerbooks--chineck ko na din doon). Being the Zafranatic that I am now, you won’t believe that I once hated her katarayan. Pero ngayon di lang ako naeentertain sa mga kasungitan nya. Naiintindihan ko na where all her rants are coming from. As long as there are people who are not doing their job well--in the case of Globe, (they’re doing their job so well, nagagawa nilang manloko ng tao) people who sacrifices genuine customer concern for fast money--may mga taong magrereklamo and eventually magtataray.

Hindi. Hindi ako galit. Napipikon lang ako at nadidisappoint dahil sa panahon nating ito, akala ko civlized na tayong lahat na nananahan sa mabangis na lungsod.

Yun pala hindi.

Grim Brothers Grimm

What to bring to enjoy The Brothers Grimm:

1. P120.00
2. Mile-long patience
3. Generous supply of sense of humor
4. Zero knowledge on who the real Brothers Grimm were
5. Empty bladder
6. Happy three friends

Now on with the critique:

I did not enter SM Megamall’s Cinema 3 empty handed (if you want to be literal, empty headed). Some time ago, my friend, Nikka, lent me an old copy of the National Geographics Magazine featuring the Brothers Grimm. Since this happened “some time ago” the data in my memory have already started to rust. However, this is what I was able to retain: Jacob and Will were not the only Brothers Grimm. While they were the ones who wrote the tales, their other brother (I’m not sure if it’s “brothers”) did the illustrations for their stories. Unlike in the movie where they hired non-Grimm acting cons, the Grimm business was more family-run in real life. I do not remember reading that they were fraudulent supernatural element slayers. And I never got the impression that the brothers were capable of displaying dumbness in public, even dumbness relative to their time. They may be eccentric--after all coming up with fairytales requires a major thinking out of the box--but eccentricity is nowhere near dumbness. I could not imagine a Grimm saying nonsense because of alcohol intoxication, or snuggling with two women at once, or being dragged in the cobblestone streets of Germany in his sleepwear in the middle of the night. It was really lame sacrificing the brothers’ dignity in pursuit of comedy. I really hope that the producers of the movie have good relations with the Grimm family because the way I see it, they’d have a lot of explaining to do. And if I myself am a Grimm, it would take more than explanations to appease me from the commercial blasphemy done to my ancestors.

I’ve expressed many times my lack of fondness towards Matt Damon. Not that he’s a bad actor, in fact he’s good. I just don’t like his face. Fortunately in this movie, he did not look like his usual self so I would have forgotten that it was him had it not for his Stuck On You (his kambal-tuko movie with Greg Kinnear) acting. (Does he have to do this every time he plays someone else’s brother?) On the other hand, Heath Ledger with his macho voice, accent included, was not his gorgeous self. One, he looked like a balding Eric Quizon, and no woman today thinks Eric Quizon is sexy--maybe some man will but not a woman. And two, he sways too much. If I did not know it was him, I’d think it really was Eric Quizon!

To be fair (This is my attempt to substitute “in fairness.”), I have to say that the movie had its funny points. Unfortunately the lines that were supposed to be funny did not work on the audience that night. The way the majority of the audience reacted (or did not react) to the punch lines was quite disappointing. I had to restrain myself from blurting out loud, “Hey, come on you guys! Matt and Heath are really trying hard here; you could at least laugh! Words can be funny too, even better than slaps.”

The Brothers Grimm would have been full of climaxes had it not for the rising actions falling before even reaching their peaks. Fifteen minutes after the movie begins, a viewer will start searching for an “umph”--something the movie came short of. Bladders can be an accurate “umph” gauge. I, for example, despise visiting the loo in between a movie, this is regardless of how filled my bladder is. But in the case of The Brothers Grimm, nothing kept me still on my seat. No element made me forget my need to pee. And when I did excuse myself for a while, I did not miss anything. It was as if time stopped and the characters’ lives paused, thus nothing big or small happened to them the whole time I was gone.

Not even the movie’s being post modern would justify its constipated climaxes. Angelica (Lean Headly), although pretty, tried hard to project that there was something special about her. She did not enjoy the grandness of her character because by the time her importance in the movie was revealed, she had already lost consciousness (I wonder if it was due to boredom). The same movement was adopted by the film’s other supposedly good points.

Yes the film had visual effects--some great, some too obvious--but hey, we see visual effects everyday! Think telefantasia. Special effects nowadays are just as present and just as important as costumes. If they’re executed well, we say, “wow!” But visual effects no longer work as the major source of “umph.” Visual spectacle ceased being so after Steven Spielberg made three movies starring computer generated images of dinosaurs.

The movies worst aspect can be summed up by this expression which I have to borrow from my officemate, “Them Americans!” I got the feeling that the makers of this film did not care much about the treatment of their characters because they were not Americans. The Germans ended up looking like dugyutin gullible citizens while the French were portrayed as psychotic barbarians. I don’t know what to make of the Germans since they were really oppressed during the Brothers’ time. Their poverty may have resulted in lack of proper hygiene and illiteracy. But then the French could have been barbaric without being psychotic. Just look at Imelda Marcos. She was once barbaric, looting millions of Filipinos billions of dollars, but since in her realm, she never did anything wrong, she managed to project that she was not at all psychotic.

Another “them Americans” moment: You will see that as the movie progresses, it was Heath Ledger’s character that was the more appropriate love interest for Angelica. Of course Matt Damon had to go between them. Probably to entertain myself, I whispered to my friend, “Uy, Dubai! (Aga-Claudine-John Loyd triangle)” Ledger was even the one who administered the kiss the reversed Angelica’s death. But Angelica kissed back Damon instead. Was it because Damon is an American and Ledger is an Australian? Let’s ask the producers who decided to change their minds in the end. Probably to neutralize the Americans-get-the-girl-in-the-end tension, Angelica kisses both Damon and Ledger. I think it was both on the lips which makes it, not redeeming but utterly gross.

What now is the movie’s redeeming value? Of course, they’re the fairytale elements embedded in every sequence. Identifying them feels like answering Alex Quebec’s questions for a hundred or so. And finally, although this has nothing to do with the film, watching the Brothers Grimm would not have been a worthwhile activity if it were not for my three friends to whom I owe this piece: Kistna, Joy and Arjane. The end.

Rare Moments

It is but rare for me to show up on time for my personal, no-business-involved engagements. Last Saturday was one of those moments. I arrived before my friend did at the place where we were set to meet. Then we proceeded on meeting the rest of our friends in which case we came late because we were sidetracked along the way.

The attendance of my friends at our get-together last weekend is pretty much encouraging--seven out of thirteen. More than half made it despite the lack of careful planning and a clear list of our day’s activities. And no one was in a real hurry to leave that I got to spent more than 12 hours with them--something I haven’t done in a long time.

The weather had the most amazing behavior last weekend. You see, the weather almost always threatens my scheduled volt-in with my friends. It must have given up because however bad weather forecasts go, we choose not to mind them anyway.


This reminds me of another set of rare moments. It was rainy in this rare moment but I went on with my spontaneous outing with my berx (yes, that’s what we call ourselves). Despite months, even years, of living in Los Baños, I never got to go on an exclusively-for-berx swim at any of Los Baños’ resorts. Then came that rare day in July when Leng, Joan, and I splashed and screamed in a Los Baños pool. I swear; if you’re stressed out, go for a swim, preferably one with slides--the longer, the better. Forget poise. Push kids aside. Let your ass glide. Scream! The key is letting out your most unpretentious scream. Stress is gone in seconds.

More on that day in July. After the swim, a change in venue was needed in order to regroup with more berx. By this time Kate joined us three and we headed off to Pacita, San Pedro, Laguna via a fully packed jeepney speeding through South Super highway at 8 o’ clock p.m. If you think that is scary, wait till you read this.

We, four travelers, have no idea when to get off the jeepney. Arjane, another berk and native of Pacita told us to meet her at Mc Donald's. (Note to everyone: Food chains and convenient stores do not make good landmarks.) Like the four wise men, we looked at the heavens for that big M sign. Leng and I saw one so we got off, only to find out that such M stands for Mc Donald's Biñan. Ooops, wrong Branch! Up to the jeepney again. Apparently traffic is not exclusive to EDSA. Even the small streets of Biñan (or San Pedro?) have their share of congested paths. And it was as action-packed.

A guy passed by and almost got hit by the red pick-up at the tail of our jeepney. Must be a marathon athlete, I thought. Then came another man, just as fast but was carrying a bag. My heart started to bang. And bang it went--not my heart but a gun. My inference was confirmed because a few seconds later a man carrying a gun appeared and stood directly opposite our jeepney. He fired another shot. Had he lowered the angle of his arm, I would have seen blood that night. A mighty being saved us that night because we survived the trip, found the correct Mc Donald’s branch, reunited with Lowny and Arjane, and slept over at the Hatulan Mansion with all our limbs and organs intact.

Back to the almost present. The day with my berx ended with the movie, The Brothers Grimm. (The promised review for that film is well underway.) We rarely see any movie together. And what do you know? Inside the theater with us was That’s Entertainment’s very own, Jovit Moya! Now that’s rare indeed!

***Count how many times I mentioned “rare” in this article. Text me your answer and win a prize. Text RARE

***WARNING: Prizes do not include anything that will make you rich!

Random thoughts that are 2 weekends overdue

Last weekend I spent at least two hours with four youthful British guys. They are Paul, John, George, and Ringgo. Paul is the pretty boy. He can be naughty sometimes but he manages to execute his mischievousness with the grace of a future “Sir.” John is a bit elusive but he has a subtle sense of humor which is kind of cute. Although he is British, he looks a bit Chinito; it is impossible for him not to look great with an oriental girl. I didn’t see much of George because had sore throat that day, and so he was left inside his hotel room most of the time. However he, too, never failed to make me laugh maybe because he was also funny--and it helps that he looks like Vic Sotto. Ringgo is probably the goofiest among the four. He’d put in all his energy just to elicit laughs. I worry about him though. He seems to have a severe fixation with the oral stage of the psycho-sexual cycle. He couldn’t last a minute without a cigar in his mouth.

What these guys have in common aside from their sense of humor, funny haircut, and British accent is probably their love for music. They even have a band. Collectively they call themselves the “Beatles.” I don’t know if it is a good idea naming yourself after a class of six-legged creatures but I know that they make good music—the band, that is. With the music they’ve created, I’d say their songs will last long, maybe even more than five decades. And they too may outlive their names. They’d probably even set a record as the longest living insect on earth.

* * *

Still last weekend, I braved Katipunan Avenue. (Is it an Avenue?) I never felt welcome in that place. All I see are roads, luxurious cars, and establishments that inarguably make big money. Nothing there makes me feel like I belong—not even Jollibee or National Bookstore. And for some reason, it always rains whenever I’m there! Some force probably thinks I don’t feel the place is hostile enough for me; it exhausts all possible means to drive me away, to make me not like the place. In the stormy, almost flooding sidewalks of Katipunan, I saw something I can relate to: cooked Japanese corn. I smiled and bought five. After two jeepney rides (both rides required minimum fare) and while inside a dry shelter I anticipated consuming my hot cob of yellow corn (of course, I gave away the other four). To my dismay, the hot corn I had at hand was nowhere near yellow. I don’t even think it’s Japanese. The last ticket that would have made me like Katipunan was, for lack of a better term, fraudulent. I’m starting to feel I am not designed to become a Katipunero, at least not any time soon.


* * *

While in the company of girls younger than I am, a critical question which required thorough pondering came up, “how did your first kiss feel like?” Now, that’s a loaded question! It assumes that the one being interrogated had already been kissed. I could have objected to that question and the judge would have sustained my plea. The question circled around the group until it reached me. What is a Josie Gellar to say? “Hindi nag-aaply sa akin ang tanong na ‘yan.” I wasn’t being sarcastic with my answer; I was plainly being honest. And for some reason, I felt like a 25-year-old old maid. Not that I agree that old maids are supposed to be treated like lower life forms (check out my stand in The One That Did Not Make It) but I suddenly felt the stigma brought about by such title closing in on me. I quickly reviewed why, again, despite my silver jubilee on earth, I do not have a REAL guy of my own—thus preventing me from receiving a thimble. Here are my excuses. One, I’ve been a child, oh I don’t know, maybe for 25 years! Like what I’ve said before, not all Peter Pans are boys and not all girls are Wendys. I happened to be one of the special ones who managed to cross the no-growing up-boundaries. Two, I haven’t found I guy I can stand who at the same time can stand me. Three, I don’t believe in courtship—supposedly the first step in building a relationship. I don’t see the point in impressing the wooed party when in the end you’ll show an alternate you, one exactly opposite the entity the wooed party thought you were. Four, I am not well-gifted when it comes to handling sexual tension. (“Sexual tension” is a term used in literature to describe the awkward air between two people coming from two different sexes. It has nothing to do with the sexual act. This is for all the non-literary, green-minded people out there.) Sure I can be friends with guys and carry normal conversations with those Martians, but once “malisya” is introduced you’d see me running away. Maybe it’s not because I am afraid. It’s more of my way of doing the good thing. I swear, I could be the most wicked love team critic and I am especially harsh when it comes to my very own potential love team. God knows I don’t need another set of sins to add to my list. Five, and maybe the last, although I may sound like a bitter, cold, and frigid person by now, I’d still claim I’m a romantic. Ironically, I think that romance is petty and temporary, so I choose to channel my passion to writing and to living. (Yoda's note: No fun, are you?) I’d rather make my life productive. If I get involved with a single person, my passion will be shared by one. If I stay as I am, my passion will be enjoyed by the great majority. I’m going for the nobler option.

I’ll stop now before I say too much.

COMMENT

shitless, bullshit-less attack on the crappiness of courtship. brilliant.
am actually trying to figure it out myself here in non-courtshiplandia. it's either you date me, or you get away from me. right?
hurrah for sexual tension--in the comm arts context, of course
Posted by: Nikka | September 21, 2005 05:19 AM

Yamot!

Palpak
2005-08-28

Nag-give in na naman ako sa bisyo ko kahapon! Bumili na naman ako ng kopya ng isang movie na napanood ko na. Medyo nahihiya akong aminin kung anong title niya kaya eto na lang, P199 lang sya, DVD na! Saan ka pa? Di ba jackpot na ‘to? So impulsive buying ang drama ko anyway may commentary naman e. Tapos legal ‘to. Original. Di pirated. Malinis ang konsensya kong binili ang nasabing DVD sa SM Department Store. Tapos ‘pag saksak ko sa player nung ORIGINAL DVD walang audio commentary from the actors and the writer. Ano ‘to, lokohan? Nakalagay sa label yung feature na yon. Kaya nga original binili ko so that I can get my money’s worth guilt-free tapos ganun na lang? Isososli ko pa tuloy. Syempre magrereklamo ako. Hmp!

* * *

Hallmouse Attacks
2005-08-27

Martes. Bandang alas 4 ng hapon.

Biktima: Di ba sabi masamang tawagin daga ang mga daga?
Opismate: Sabi ng lola ko dapat “Bait-bait.”
Biktima: Ang alam ko dapat “mabait.”

Pause.

Biktima: Ayoko. Ang plastic! Di naman sila mabait!

Kinabukasan inatake ng d_ga/bait-bait/mabait ang drawer ng biktima na naglalaman ng mga nakaimbak na pagkain. Naulit pa ang malagim na pangyayaring ito makalipas ang isa pang araw.
* * *

2 Neozep Lang Ang Katapat
2005-08-18

Sa panahon ngayon, bawal ang magkasakit. At dahil bawal magkasakit, may sakit ako ngayon. Sadya nga yatang masarap ang bawal! Noong nakaraang miyerkules lamang ay dumaan ako sa Mercury Drug upang bumili ng ointment. Mayroon kasing makati sa may tuhod ko. Para mapigilan ang pagkalat nito, minabuti ko nang bumili ng mabisang gamot. Aba, mahirap na yatang magkaroon ng sakit sa balat!

Nagulantang ako nang tanungin ko ang pharmacist kung magkano ang 5g na gamot. P250.00 daw. Sasabihin ko sana, “Miss, hindi ako magpapaderma. Ako na mismo ang gagamot sa kati ko.” Kaso, mukhang seryoso yung babae kaya di na ako humirit. Anak ng boogie! Napabili pa ako ng hindi oras! Pero ayos na rin. Makakampante na ako. Sana lang ay di masayang ang P250 ko dahil kapag di gumaling ‘tong kati ko, bibili ako sa Mercury Drug ng taga-kamot. Baka mas mura ‘yon.

‘Wag mo nang tanungin kung saan galing ‘tong kati ko. Di ko rin alam. Maaring sign ito ng STD. Kaya lang bago ka magkaSTD, di ba kailangan muna ng S? E hindi ko nga alam yung S—hindi ko alam yung sanhi. Bwehehe. Tapos ito pa, noong Martes pa lang nagpaparamdam na sa akin itong lalamunan ko. (Ops, walang madumi ang isip!) Alam mo‘yon, maalala mo lang ang mga bahagi ng katawan mo kapag sumasakit na sila. Ang masama pa naman nito, yung lalamunan ko ang aking Achilles’ heel. Basta nagka-sore throat na ako o tonsillitis, pihadong lalagnatin na ako. Pero nilabanan ko sya. Kaya nakaya ko pa ring tumayo.

Sumunod na nag-aklas ang aking ilong. Parang may natutunaw na yelo sa loob ng ilong ko mapasahanggang ngayon. Nakakainis pa nito, kapag sinubukan ko nang ibuga ang nagbabadyang sipon sa ilong ko, umaatras naman ito. Bad trip! Syempre kasabay ng sipon ang konting ubo. Magkabarkada yan e. Sana lang huwag makisama si lagnat at kung hindi, riot na.

Dahil gusto kong makisabay sa pang-aasar ng katawan ko, bumili ako ng Rocky Road na Dairy Queen kanina. Inuna ko ang ice cream kesa sa gamot. Sana nakakagaling ang ice cream. Pero talo ako sa laban. Maya maya lang e bumili rin ako ng gamot. Drugged ako ngayon kaya nagsisimula na akong maging groggy. Tumatalab na yata ang phenylpropanolamine. Sana wala na akong sipon bukas para di na kadiri ang susunod na kwento ko.

Filmfest

I started the day with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. “Again?” You ask. Yep, that’s how much I liked it. The night before, I saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the earlier release of Roald Dahl’s work. As much as I would love to compare the execution of both movies I feel like I shouldn’t. The key word is “technology.” The years in between 1971 (If I am getting the release years wrong, feel free to correct me.) and 2005 may explain why the earlier version could not afford an angle shot that would make the Wonka gate as grand as it is in today’s version, or why the 70s release had a limited set—the factory looked like a half-filled Wonka World whereas this millennium’s version was able to remove all traces of the real world inside Willy’s factory, or why Violet didn’t grow as big as she has today than years before, or why it was summer in the old movie (What was Charlie’s family thinking giving him a red scarf on a summer?) and it’s winter in the new, or why the Oompa Loompas look more identical today than they were in the past (May I clarify that CGI made that possible, not cloning—cloning is reserved for later), or why the TV set in the television room back then resembled a hollow black box and looked less realistic than today...the list may go on forever.

I haven’t read Roald Dahl’s work, well not yet. However, I assume that the 1971 release is the one more loyal to the original piece since Roald Dahl himself did its screenplay. However still, I’d say today’s screenplay was authored to fit today’s people. Aside from stepping on Roald Dahl’s artistic magic, I see no further problem there.

For both movies, I would like to commend the children who so very well played their parts. I keep on wondering if they really were acting and if they were, I wonder if they knew that they were acting.

On to Willy: Gene Wilder kind of confuses me. He’s playful then he’s serious, then he’s playful then he’s serious. I got the impression that he’s intermittently pulling himself out of the Willy character, thereby implying attacks of a multiple personality disorder. Johnny Depp presents an obliquely funnier Willy and remains consistent with being disturbed and childlike. Somewhere along watching the new movie, I thought that Jim Carrey would probably be the second best choice for Willy. Then again, he will most likely overdo the part and end up looking like a retard.

I’d like to note an observation. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory bore “Willy” in its title but focused more on Charlie whereas Charlie and the Chocolate Factory carried Charlie in its title but did mostly an expose on Willy’s personality. Was this the filmmakers’ way of balancing the importance of their characters? I wonder.

Willy seemed to have ended too easily, “pack the major characters inside the glass elevator then roll in the credits; we’re done!” Charlie tried not to end too easily, “we still have a few minutes to go; let’s bring the glass elevator to a quick detour.”

I have to reiterate that I haven’t read the original story. If I do read it maybe I’d be able to back up my speculations and prematurely formulated opinions. I’ll abandon the factory for now.

* * *

I said I would lay off the factory but I didn’t say I’ll leave Johnny Depp and Tim Burton altogether. My next dose of Hollywood for today is Edward Scissor Hands. The movie caused me flashbacks; I couldn’t help it. I saw Edward Scissor Hands around fifteen years ago. It sort of brought back a morsel of my childhood.

Then I began using my brain again. Edward Scissor Hands displays Tim Burton’s penchant for visual spectacle—the one we saw in Batman, Big Fish, and of course, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. On the other hand, with this film Johnny Depp celebrates his forte—playing the weird one.

Another observation: I noticed that Johnny Depp almost always looks pale. He appeared to be anemic even in Sleepy Hollow and in the Nick of Time. I think the only movie where I saw him in FULL color was in the Pirates of the Caribbean. Does he need blood transfusion or is he allergic to make up? Once again I wonder.

For those of you who have no idea what Edward Scissor Hands is all about, I’ll tell you this: it is a fairy tale that doesn’t end like a fairy tale.

* * *

To end my day I sat through Gattaca. My brother said that Gattaca requires a thinking audience (a comment I took as an insult) so I made sure I remained attentive for roughly two hours.

Gattaca is set in the not-too-distant future where GMOs have taken over natural life forms. Reality check: GMOs have taken over natural life forms today. Check the supermarkets. Now here’s a set back of watching a movie years after its release!

Cease the side comments.

Gattaca explores a world where Genetically Mutated Organisms (GMOs) reign superior over natural borns—this is in the context of human beings (not limited to food unlike what is happening today). It discusses the implications of cloning and human beings’ attempt to produce the perfect race. Of course the idea of a perfect race may sound unattainable for us today, but who knows how things may turn out a few years from now? I continue to wonder.

For a bedtime movie, Gattaca is a bit disturbing. It touches issues on family; genocism (think racism based on genetics); corporate politics; red tape; migration; relationships—or more accurately, choosing a mate; human beings’ insatiable thirst for success; and other matters that are impossible to resolve—plus Jude Law incinerates himself in the end.

Pinoy in Hollywood, Hot Movie, and a T-Bag

Nothing pumps up my patriotism than seeing a kababayan in a Hollywood movie. Just imagine how I felt when I saw one of our finest actors on the silver screen along with an Academy Award nominee to play not just as an extra but as prominent character in a big-budget, highly-publicized Hollywood movie. And to celebrate this monumental event, I remained in my seat to see the credits roll and bask in the name of our very own Pinoy actor.

To my dismay, I did not see his name in the billing. And then it hit me.

The Oompa Loompas were not our very own Berting Labra; they were actually Deep Roy. I don’t know Deep Roy, but I sure know Berting Labra. Apparently, the Oompa Loompas were not him.

I ended up doing a psychological flag retreat as the movie, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, officially ended.

* * *

It was more of rewarding my curiosity than jumping into the hype that I spilled cash not just for a movie but also for a bar of chocolate last Saturday. I don’t think I have seen a movie inside a theater this year, not until now—that is according to my memory and my planner. Since I have developed the habit of pausing and reviewing certain scenes in a movie, I have preferred watching them at home. That’s how I ceased appreciating sitting still for two hours or so inside a movie house.

So I allowed myself to be dragged in one of Megamall’s newly renovated cinemas. Buying the ticket made me think twice regarding proceeding inside the cinema proper. The lady selling the tickets did not attend to my “pabili po!” Instead, she had her attention to her dispensing machine. Before I was able to raise my right eyebrow, I smelled something weird. As if it were a cue, the lady stood up and told the other ticket seller that her machine is burning. She was in a state of constipated panic yet she managed to tell me, “Ma’am doon na lang kayo sa kabila bumili ng ticket.”

It was five minutes before the screening of the movie but I stood there and waited for the fire or smoke to be contained. What am I nuts? I won’t step inside a dark space filled with people when I know something is burning outside!

After seeking reassurance that nothing would explode any time soon, I submitted myself to Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Unfortunately, I missed some of the previews of coming movies—an essential part of what-I-consider-as-entertainment. Maybe next time I’d come up with a review of my first silver screen movie this year. But before that, I’d like to thank my good berk, Kistna for sharing with me Charlie and his chocolate factory.

* * *

This week we’re celebrating Former President Manuel L. Quezon’s birthday. Along with this is the Linggo ng Wika. I would have relayed this paragraph in Filipino but I already started in English. It wouldn’t be right to code switch in the middle of this piece. In any case, I promise to write something in Filipino to exercise my Filipino tongue, or fingers—whichever I use in coming up with pieces such as this.

I have thrown in an effort to celebrate my being Pinoy. I have vowed to display my Pinoy T-bag for a week. What in the world is a Pinoy T-bag? It is a tote made out of canvas. It’s main feature is the funny inscription in front. It goes:

PINOY T-BAG (Hindi T-back)


Karaniwang gamit ng mga nagtitinda ng tsaa, kapeng barako at aroma. Pero may kapeng kulay berde na di maaaring ilagay sa loob ng bag na ito. Berdeng isip lang ang nakakaalam nito. Hindi sumikat ang disenyo ng bag na ito, dahil mas naunang mamatay ang designer nito.

Usually, I do not patronize any thing I do not understand but since the Pinoy T-bag made me smile, I bought it anyway. I would like to take this opportunity, though, to call upon the best “berdeng isip” out there to enlighten me. I’d be glad to get a comment from you.