Sunday, December 24, 2006

Holiday Senti…I Can’t Help It

Hindi ako makasulat nang matino. May thoughts kasing bumabara sa isipan ko kaya hindi makadaloy ang sana ay blog-worthy stories ko. Sinusubukan kong isantabi ang barang ito pero ayaw umusad ng attempt ko. I am hoping that this entry will work like Gleam liquid Sosa. Nawa’y matanggal agad ang bara!

Pero bago yon, disclaimer muna…

I realized during my crying festival that my health care provider may not cover my psychiatric concerns and that I would have gone totally insane if it were not for my writing. Hence my blog is sort of sacred. And as much as my published thoughts, by my own volition, have turned public, I still have command over my space—I mean, my friendster blog. Kaya magalit na ang magagagalit. This is my blog. I think I have the right to say what seems healthy for me to say here.

Sabi nga ni Connie Veneracion, isang multi-awarded blogger and Op-ed columnist, ang bawat blogger ay dapat na may matibay na sikmura kagaya ng mga kolumnista. Sa pagsusulat, siguradong may titira sa iyo kaya dapat handa ka.

Sana nga handa ako.

Bukas Christmas eve na. Pero bakit hindi ako masaya? Bakit bitter ako? Shut up if you’re going to say wala kasi akong boyfriend! Wala akong boyfriend since pinanganak ako. I wouldn’t know the difference. Bad trip ako kasi iba na ang Pasko.

One time habang kasama ko ang ilan kong kaopisina sa napakahabang pila sa ATM, nagtanungan kami kung papaano namin i-se-celebrate ang pasko. Nalungkot ako para sa isang officemate when he said that he will probably greet Christmas alone. I asked him why he wouldn’t spend Christmas with his family. He said that kanya kanya na kasi sila. Nalungkot talaga ako. Parang weird yata ang pasko kung walang pamilya. After all, Christmas is originally about a family welcoming a special new-born baby.

Hindi attempt na magpaka-macho ang pag-claim ko na never akong naniwala kay Santa Clause dahil hindi naman talaga ako naniwala sa matabang mama na yon. I have to stress out that my childhood was perfect even without Santa Clause. Mahusay ang mga magulang ko dahil naipahatid nila sa akin na ang Pasko ay tungkol kay Mama Mary, Papa Joseph at Baby Jesus. Kaya naman walang bahid ng komersyalismo ang early Christmases ko. If you think about it, Christmas is not about decorations, or Christmas cards, or gifts. It is all about family.

Yes, family.

For 24 years, I spent Christmas with my immediate family. Parang may time na hindi kami complete dahil naalala ko na yung dati naming bunso (tatlo pa lang kaming magkakapatid noon) ay naospital isang Pasko dahil nahulog siya sa hagdan. Nonetheless that Christmas seemed complete kahit si dad, ate at ako lang ang nasa bahay. Tapos six years ago, muntik na kaming magpaskong lahat sa ospital nang madiagnose si Nichi ng Leukemia. Mabuti na lang at nadischarge kami ng umaga ng Dec. 24. Then last year happened.

Nakakalungkot dahil isa na kami sa maraming Pinoy families na hindi kumpleto dahil mayroon na kaming OFW (or para sosyal, ex-pat) sa pamilya. Kaya galit ako sa pagtaas ng presyo ng lata. It took my Ate away from us. Kung OK sana ang ekonomiya natin, kumpleto sana kami.

Thankful ako dahil despite the events in our family life this year, we managed to come out complete. A few days ago, my dad told me that Nichi’s doctor told him noong malala si Nichi na devastated na talaga ang katawan ng bunso kong kapatid, na kumalat na ang impeksyon sa katawan nya, na alam naman ng bata iyon, na susunod na mangyayari sa kanya ay mag-slip into a coma then perish. Kaya naman pala parang nalugi ang daddy ko. I told my dad, “kaya pala parang nag-space out ka na nung umiiyak si Nichi sa ospital.” Even I knew that something was wrong kasi alam ko my dad always knew what to do pero nung dark days ni Nichi parang pati daddy ko ay wala nang magawa. Himala talaga na nagawa pa ni Niching magkakanta nitong nakaraang kasal ng Ate ko. May powerful being na nagbigay kay Nichi ng hindi lang pangalawang chance na mabuhay.

Siguro human ako for demanding more. Kasi if I were to be asked, hindi ko lang hihilingin na makumpleto ang pamilya namin. Siyempre gusto ko sama-sama kami. Pero as the cliché goes, “nothing is constant in this world but change.” So change it is.

A week ago, we welcomed my sister’s husband to our family. Sabi nga ng dad ko, hindi siya brother-in-law. Brother siya. Which is correct. Nakinig akong mabuti doon sa toast ng daddy ko during my sister’s wedding’s reception. And he has a point. Your daughter marrying someone doesn’t mean you are losing her. On the contrary, you are gaining a son. Korekek! Sa wakas I am having the older brother I never had. Pero siyempre, hindi lahat ng pagbabago ay madaling tanggapin. Kaya nga yata naimbento ang limbo.

Nasa Pilipinas si Ate ngayon pero hindi niya sasalubungin ang Pasko with us because as the wife of her husband, she has decided to spend Christmas with Kuya Warren's family. There is nothing wrong with that really. Kasi she already is a part of that family.

However, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Hindi rin pala kami kumpletong sasalubong sa Pasko. Sa picture lang na naman ulit makikita ni ate ang mga mukha namin sa bisperas ng Pasko. At, oo, kagaya ng thought na nakabara sa utak ko, may lump na naka-stuck sa throat ko ngayon dahil needless to say, malungkot ako.

Hindi naman ako pwedeng magalit dahil mali iyon. That’s when my hurt will be out of line. Somehow I am lamenting yet trying to be rational. Mahirap siya. Naiisip ko iyong isang comment ni Ate dito sa blog ko noon. She said that I will forever be her sister. Pero since last year, I was just her maid of honor, except nung napaemergency uwi siya rito dahil nga na-ICU si Nichi. In between sa paghihintay namin sa viewing hours sa ICU, naging magkapatid ulit kami. Nagawa naming mag-usap ng hindi lamang tungkol sa kasal nya kung hindi sa buhay ng isa’t isa. Ngayong tapos na ang kasal, hindi ko alam kung mag-ano na kami. Kasi napansin ko we no longer tell each other everything. She withholds her stories; I screen mine. Ganoon ba talaga kapag lumalaki na ang magkakapatid? Tapos lalong hindi malinaw dahil yung dating roommate ko, na ka-kunchaba ko sa mga Christmas surprises ay absent, hindi dahil mahal ang lata, kundi dahil may asawa na siya.

Itong taon na ito, nasabihan ako ng “grow up.” Alam ko na guilty ako sa pagiging female Peter Pan pero hindi ko na-realize na masasaktan ako sa imperative statement na, “grow up.” Siguro kaya hirap akong mag-accept ng change dahil nga bonsai ang maturity ko. At kung ang mga kasabayan ko ay adult na, ako ngayon pa lang tinitighiyawat ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay. Pwede ko sigurong gawing project yon sa 2007. Maybe that’ll help me cope and adjust.

Pwede ko rin sigurong paluin ang sarili ko. Kasi naman, October of last year pa lang sinabihan ko na ang sarili ko na, “prepare yourself, a big change is about to come your way.” Kaya nga nag-aaral akong mapag-isa. It is the only way I could detach myself. Akala ko naman OK na. Sus, not enough exercise pala ang shopping, bowling, eating and watching movies by myself! Ito yata ang problem with thinking. It proves to be depressing.

But I will get over this. I know I will.

Sayang lang nga, kung alam ko lang sana na last Noche Buena na namin together yung noong 2004, e di sana sinagad-sagad ko na. Tunay ngang nasa huli ang pagsisi. Madalas kong sabihin ngayon na time’s a ticking. Yung nangyari kay Nichi, yung kasal ni Ate at ang Pasko namin bukas ay ilan lang sa mga pangyayari na nagreremind sa akin ng time really is a ticking!

Ewan ko kung kelan pa kami muling mabubuo sa pagsalubong ng Pasko. Who knows kung may mag-aabroad muli sa amin next year? And with what I heard hindi na dito magpapasko sina Ate and Kuya Warren next year. Baka they will spend the holidays in another country with the same people with whom they will be spending this year's Christmas with.

It sucks sometimes. Late na pag nadiscover mo na times-up ka na pala. Iiyak ka na lang upon realizing that, shit, you can no longer turn back time!

So let me say it.

Shit! I don’t think that I can turn back time!

COMMENTS

Naiyak ako.
Yun lang.
Shit. We can never turn back time.
Shit again kasi the truth hurts.
Tye... kukunin ko blog mo... ipo-post ko sa blog ko. Gusto ko i-share sa lahat ang views mo. Antipatikang talentadong writer ka!!! It's about time the world hears you.
Love you, sis!
Posted by: Addict | December 23, 2006 10:01 PM

Kaya ka naiyak dahil umiiyak ang nagsulat ng binasa mo. Hindi ko alam kung minumura mo ba ako pero since antipatikang talentada naman ako, I'll take your comment as a compliment. Salamat! Palakpak tenga ko.
Posted by: Tyrene | December 30, 2006 10:16 AM

Aww... in fairness to you, dpat magsulat ka professionally. Set up a blog somewhere na mas marami makakabasa. Ako ang unang fan mo!
Well, napa-sigh ako nun part na xmas nyo last year. naisip ko rin ang mortality ng pagiging sama sama. totoo nga naman. we dont know what can happen in 1 year. baka nga next xmas di na pareho. but well, isipin mo nalang (ham yan!) u have all other xmas' of your life to reminisce na kumpleto at masaya ang lahat. darating ang araw mga bagong memory naman ang papalit, sana lang mas masaya ka na sa susunod diba?!
ps.
di ka nagiisa, ganyan talaga pag pasko, lahat ng SSB senti, hehehe!
Posted by: ChRiStMaSII | January 4, 2007 10:27 AM

Christmas, Pasensya na at sad ako nung birthday mo. Pero tama ka. Aabangan ko na lang ang next na pasko. Hopefully bagong adventure na yon. :-)
About the new blog, I've thought about that. In fact nagsimula na ako with a new blog pero long way to go pa siya. Ang drama ko sana ay new year, new blog pero hindi ko na-meet ang aking Dec31 deadline. For now, pinopost ko rin doon lahat ng posts ko dito. Wala pa siya masyadong laman but you can be one of my first visitors there. Just go to http://battik.blogspot.com/
Thank you for reading me and, as we say it at Hallmark, happy belated birthday!
Posted by: Tyrene | January 5, 2007 09:25 AM

wala bang blog about new year's eve.. nung sama-sama tayong lahat? i hope it counts.
love does not require physical presence.. napapakita ito kapag malayo ang mahal mo and still napapakita mo pa rin ang concern mo by calling or by texting.
i dont take this blog against you. kaya nga may freedom of speech. kaya lang when you write you are also documenting everything. your happiness, your pain.. i just hope you learn from them and not treat them as a scar which will never be healed.
- ate win
Posted by: Wah and Win | January 15, 2007 08:10 AM

2 comments:

tye said...

sometimes even I think that this topic is overrated. But cowards like me who dare not say what I feel just write. In a way it helps me move on whether I've been read by the person involved or not. And yet sometimes I couldn't help but wonder.

-tye- said...

Allow me to say this again: Shit! I don’t think that I can turn back time!

Sad times...