Nicholas

How can anyone NOT miss this kid?

3 years in heaven. Still loved. Still missed.

No more fever, Nichi. No more pain.
Ate is happy.
Continue smiling down on us :-)

No More Fever for You

He felt it coming,

the dip from worse to worst,

the ebbing of life,

the end of the adventure.

And he did get tired.

Not much word about it

but he did get tired.

No one knew how to stop it,

No one knew how to make it better.

Then one day he was freed.

From the fever, from the pain.

One day it all went away.

It all took HIM away.

And we...

we should be happy

Conspiracy Theory

The last thing one gloomy person needs to cheer her up is rain, heavy rain.

But no worries, I just broke a personal record, having sent out 32 resumes in one day. I should be up and bouncing. But something is definitely off.

For the first time, I was asked to look after my niece who was peacefully dreaming away in her room. Once I got inside, the scene became too familiar to me: a kid sleeping, an incandescent light bulb for a lamp, the isolating effect of an air-conditioned room, the deafening silence. The last time I saw myself in such setting was the last evening I spent with my youngest brother.

I was instantly zapped to that place where nothing was easy. And my why’s and if-only’s came flooding back to my head. Soon, the tears welled-up.

Losing a loved one is not easy. And it never gets easy. As one “veteran” once told me, you don’t really get over the pain. You just learn to deal with it.

A year after the incident, I was compelled to deal with the pain of Nichi’s death. And I dealt with it alright. I went about it the way I know how. I allowed myself to cry, for a minute or so, in secret.

But something more powerful wouldn’t leave me hanging just like that.

My sister who is fond of one celebrity blogger, delivered her next celebrity-blogger news shortly after my secret mini-drama episode. For some reason, I searched for the blog to check how interesting it was. Two clicks after, I found a video like the one below re-posted at the celebrity’s site. It was called, “Logan, the Sky Angel cowboy.”



Logan, a 13-year-old boy, was talking about his “special pet” that died, his pain, and how he asked God his “why?” The message of the recorded audio couldn’t have been more subtle at talking to me.

I don’t think things like this happen at random. There must be a greater force conspiring to make sure I was where I was supposed to be.

I found that video/audio of a 13-year-old boy a few hours after I re-mourned for my brother who died at 13. The video/audio was posted in the personal site of a celebrity whom Nichi once met and in a certain sense “worked” with. The celebrity calls her kid “Nic.” I am assuming the kid’s name is Nichole, the same as Nichi. The video was a re-post. The celebrity mentioned that she chanced upon it and then she thanked a friend named “Gigi” for it. Sometimes I call Nichi “Gigi” (pronounced with a hard G as in “good”). I checked my past post on Nichi and that certain celebrity. In that old post, I used my pet name for Nichi. Proof that I am not making these coincidences up.

I appreciate how my pain was soothed tonight. I’ve seen the signs, read the signs, and got the message.

I feel somewhat better now.

A Year Up There

Today, Nichi turns one in heaven.

Here’s a moment of remembering his 13 wonderful years with us. (Please click button below.)

* * *
A message from our dad:

Our dear friends,

This Thursday, July 24, will be a year since our Nichi left us to join the angels in heaven. You all have been part of his life and our family’s life. Allow us to thank you again for all the things you have done for Nichi and for being there when we felt we were alone.

A family friend, Kate, an artist, collated Nichi’s pictures and assembled it into a 30-page album that tells the story of his 13 short but memorable years on earth. We would like to share this to all of you. (Please click on button above.)

May the God Almighty Bless you and your family and keep you all in good
health.

Always,

willie, tess, windale, warren, tyrene, jowin, migs & yzee

* * *
This is how Nichi described himself in his friendster account:

About Me:

malakas kumain laging nag-iisip,gusto ko lagi akong may ginagawa,mas gusto kong naglalaro kasama ang aking mga kaibigan,gusto ko rin ako ang bumibili ng mga gusto kong mga gamit,tamad akong maglakad ng mga mahahabang lakaran,mas gusto kong mahaba ang buhok ko.

* * *

Nichi, sana masaya dyan. Lab ka namin. Lab kita. I miss you. Enjoy ka lang dyan!

If we can see Nichi now, he'd be smiling back at us.

Nichi

(1994-2007)

The bravest person I know. He passed away with a smile on his face because he knew all will be well. He had been a good boy til the end and he knows that someone higher and more powerful than us has reserved a perfect spot for him in paradise.

Happy Birthday Nichi

Nichi’s turning 14.

We had two choices: to act as if it were any ordinary day and individually wallow in the pool of unspoken pain, or to celebrate the day the way we would if Nichi were still around and take comfort in each other’s company.

We went for the second option.

Mommy cooked fettuccini in white sauce, one of Nichi’s favorites—the bacon is key. I made beef enchilada, a variety of the menu Nichi requested during his birthday last year. Nichi’s ninang brought cake—not the Red Ribbon Ube Roll Nichi would have requested but it was swell. Jowin prepared JUICE. (The word JUICE is special to us.)

Initially mommy was thinking of preparing spaghetti. But I killed the idea by saying, “ano yon, for long life?”

Nichi’s ninang wondered if she should get a candle for the cake.

I guess option two isn’t all too easy. After all, the birthday celebrator is no longer around.

* * *

We asked some of Nichi’s friends to come over. Andrea, a classmate, was kind enough to help me contact their friends. Dad, went to get Nichi’s best friend who, luckily wasn’t doing anything very important in their house. A total of eight kids came to celebrate with us. [Note: another classmate passed by the house 12 days after Nichi’s birthday.]

It’s priceless how they made us feel as if Nichi were still around. I for one saw Nichi in them—his youth, his wit, his innocence, his life. I know Nichi was sitting with them while they were watching their old videos together.

Those kids, they didn’t hesitate sharing how they remember Nichi. It feels good to know that Nichi had the ability to touch their young lives.

We brought them, at least the six kids, with us at the ossuary. I’m guessing they said, “Hi!” to their friend.




* * *

It is constricting to feel that we’re alone at this. At losing Nichi. But every once in a while, circumstances remind us that we, Nichi’s family, are not the only ones who lost him and miss him.

In the web of relationships all connected to Nichi, it is not only us who lost a leg. Nichi’s passing away affected his peers, too. And in their young state, they had to deal with the loss of a good friend—someone their age, someone who should be exploring life the same way they are now. I’m hoping that Nichi’s demise will prompt them to live their lives the best way they can.

And then there are my parent’s friends who are parents themselves. They know how painful it must be to lose one’s child. And they can only wish that they be spared of the agony, not out of selfishness but at least out of their love of their children.

The same goes to others who knew Nichi. His death may have left a dent in their lives. Dent which is all worth the trouble if it works to make them better persons and to allow them to appreciate life even more.

And if only for that, Nichi’s death would mean something.

I already know that his life meant a lot.

* * *

I will no longer speculate how things could have been if Nichi were still around.

I will just end by saying that Nichi is missed, especially during his birthday which, for the first time, he can’t spend with us--physically . But having the witnesses to his life over the house was very much comforting.

And just as Ate Win often say, Nichi is smiling down on us, especially at moments like this.

Happy Birthday, Nichi!

How You Remind Me

No ectoplasmic version of my brother has ever appeared before me. Perhaps I am not really a ghost kind of person. I have a feeling that the alleged spirits of the dead that some people claim to see are more of the departed loved one’s essence which the bereaved refuse to let go of. And in hanging on, these essences take shape. It works the same way as psychosomatic ailments go: What should not be there becomes “present.”

It’s not that I am no longer hanging on to my brother’s available bits of memories. In fact, I am one who seems fixated. And although, these days, I can think of him and smile, my subconscious reminds me that I am still in a pseudo-battle in letting him go. I sometimes dream about him still and in those dreams, the present is like the good ol’ times.

However, it is far from passive, my efforts to move on. I say sorry to whoever deserves it every time I catch myself wishing that he weren’t dead because I know that is just plain selfish.

* * *

They communicate to us, you know? Not through some over decorated gypsy, peeking at a crystal ball or going into a trans. They tell us what we need to know in a way that only we could understand.

I remember how, a few weeks after Nichi passed away, I felt really sad, I decided to cry under a running stream of water falling down from the shower. That way, I thought, I wouldn’t know which ones were my tears. I then glanced at the direction where bottles of shampoo were kept. It was then when I got the message.

“No more tears,” it said. Nichi’s baby shampoo was staring at me right in front of my face. I was drowning in tears to have noticed it sooner. He hates it when I go dramatic.

Several instances such as this one have happened to me. Perhaps I should have written them down. Those are priceless moments which I tend to forget.

* * *

Forgetting is the worst thing we could do to our dear departed. We may forget how bad their last days went but we should not forget them, otherwise their lives, no matter how long or short they may be, will all be in vain.

Sometimes I fear that if all of us move on completely, we will forget Nichi. It may sound like a remote idea right now but it is possible. I guess this explains why, people like me, often inject “Nichi” stories in normal conversations with anyone, including those outside Nichi’s circle. If only to keep them alive, we’d tell our dead’s stories to those willing to listen.

I have a few cute Nichi stories to put on record, in case my memory wanes.

My mom, my two brothers and I were looking for someone at the EDSA Shangri-la hotel. Nichi was around four years old then. While we were walking, he couldn’t resist commenting on how grand and perfect the hotel was. He bent his knees (walking in a squat-like manner), savored the smell from down below him and said, “Ang bango ng sahig!”

We call our dad, “Daddy/dad” while our dad’s dad, “tatay.” Once when dad fetched Nichi from school, a classmate asked him, “Nichole, tatay mo?”

“Hindi, ah, patay na ang tatay ko!” [Note: Tatay, our lolo, was already dead at that time.]

“Hindi magandang biro yan,” Nichi’s classmate said.

I can imagine Nichi smirking. He found the humor in the situation.

Nichi and dad have a special connection. Perhaps after I had outgrown being daddy’s little girl, Nichi took over. Only, he’s no little girl. But he is as sweet as can be to dad.

Nichi once promised dad that if dad grows old, Nichi will buy him a wheelchair and a car that both come with a videoke system.

Like normal kids do, Nichi played with our kid neighbors along with his kuya. They also had a moment, like most of us did, when they asked each other hypothetical questions which, since they were children, they answered honestly and purely.

“Kung may pwede kang baguhin sa sarili mo, ano yon?”

I couldn’t help but over hear Nichi’s answer, “wala na akong babaguhin sa sarili ko.” I thought, “wow, my brother, despite his condition, he doesn’t think less of himself. He is content with who he is!”

Of course, Nichi wasn’t all too perfect. He has his naughty side—naughty enough to have a classmate slam an empty bilao on his head. It left a mark (he was completely bald then) but the thing is, we understood how his classmate could have lost it and have run after him to hit him with the thing. Magaling rin kasi mang-asar si Nichi. It’s one of his gifts.

It was last year when Nichi, talked me into accompanying him to the Spiderman drawing contest held at the Megamall. I had to go on a leave of absence from work for that. And the cute thing about this story is, while he was trying to explain to me the contest, he pulled out from his pocket the newspaper ad featuring the event so that it will do the talking for him. It was not a clipped ad he showed me. He had the folded broadsheet tucked in his pocket all along.

Full of surprises, that’s who he was. And so I was surprised when he told me he wanted a copy of the movie, Saving Private Ryan. He was almost raving about it.

“Saan mo naman nalaman na maganda yon?” I asked.

He handed me the VCD case of Enemy at the Gates. “Nakalagay kasi dito, ‘The most triumphant war movie since Saving Private Ryan.’ Eh nagandadahan ako dito [sa Enemy at the Gates].”

I think it was dad who got him the Saving Private Ryan DVD.

Nichi never learned to ride a bike. Mom bought him a 3-wheeled bike when he was around 2-3 years old. But he never mustered the guts to let go of the ground and push the pedals with both of his feet. Oh, Nichi is such a whimp! Yeah, right!
* * *

It never ceases to feel weird every time I realize that it’s been 10 months since I last held Nichi, since I last saw him in the flesh. It is even weirder to think that I will never touch him and see him again.

One will never know that a thing like this ever happens to real life until it does.

It sucks it happened to us, at Nichi’s expense. I remain bitter at that fact.

But all is not lost. I still have memories to replay inside my head at times when I miss Nichi badly. The good and the bad—they are all part of the Nichi story which I, despite the pain, am glad I witnessed.

Above all, I consider it a miracle how life has its way of becoming better even after a major loss. Pains get healed while memories become more precious.

I’ll take that.

On Not Forgetting

Before I say goodbye to the month of January, allow me to share a glimpse of last year’s January.

These pictures with Nichi were taken a year ago.

Who would have thought that by this time, he would no longer be around? Despite the predictability of his situation, I did not really believe then that we were going to lose him so quickly.

It is distressing every time I realize how much of a kid he just was. Just look at how he played with the calendar seen at the background of our pictures.





I dreamt of him, you know? Last Christmas, I saw him wearing his new set of clothes for the season. He was ready to leave, the way he always was ready to leave first whenever we were going some place. He was all smile, waiting for us. Now that I think about it, I somehow understand what my dream meant. It gives me goosebumps.

I miss him a lot. Perhaps deep inside me, I am afraid to forget about him that’s why a day never passes without me thinking of him.

He was a happy little boy, a bit bossy sometimes. He was responsible—did his homework, even fussing over them a lot thus stressing himself out. At that point, he’d solicit our help. He had high tolerance against negative forces surrounding him, including hostile feelings towards him. But he could not help but feel affected by a juvenile rift between him and his bestfriend in school. I remember him confiding with me about it and he was on the verge of crying then. I think I told him that if he cries, he'll make me cry, too. He cared about the people around him. He made sure everyone at home would have something to eat. He’d remind you to leave some food for those who haven’t eaten yet when you are being too much of a glutton. He’d get himself involved with other people’s business, sometimes to the point of being nosy, because he ultimately wished to share his opinions on matters which he hoped to help. You’d know when he’s mad because he’d just shut up and give you a piercing look with his cute eyes, decorated with his exceptionally long lashes. You’d know when he’s sad when his eyes display those faint, red outlines, the same ones the Alaska (Milk) boy have. He had a way about munching his food. Anything he ate looked extremely delicious. He did not come short with a sense of humor. At least he had those healthy genes that make our family funny. He had such a loud voice, good for singing, laughing out loud, doing a monologue, and interrupting whatever you are watching because he just had to talk. He knew how to be sarcastic and was pretty much effective at dropping sardonic remarks. He didn't do this much, though. He had nice teeth, the nicest set among us, siblings. His skin always looked healthy, golden brown and glowing. I often teased him, “Mukha kang mayaman. Mag-ingat ka sa labas, baka ma-kidnap ka.” He had long, slender fingers which looked more feminine than mine. And he hadn’t mastered the art of clipping his own finger and toe nails; you have to do it for him. But you’ll get a kiss and a thank-you immediately after you groom him. He loved watching TV shows and movies, although at times he seemed a bit slow in comprehending what was happening. He’d bug you with his endless questions. But who isn’t confused with the show, Lost? He perennially felt hot, an electric fan had to follow him wherever he goes all the time. He obsesses on his projects or goals or what-to-buys. He wouldn’t stop until he gets them. He’s naughty and playful, just like kids his age are. He was often indecisive, taking an unusually long time thinking which item in the menu to order or what sari-sari store food to buy. But he wasn’t fond of junk food and didn’t like his food to be salty. He was aware of what was happening to him and was committed to his medications and treatments. He’d even wake you up so that you can hand him his 5 AM pills.

He’s all that and more.

Good and fun memories of him visit me all the time. They comfort me and make me smile. Still, the tormenting final moments of his life still haunt me. I guess, I cannot separate both sets of Nichi moments from each other.

And if it’s the price I have to pay for not forgetting, then I’d take it. No protests whatsoever.

Nichi in Lea Salongga's MTV

Tol!

Especially namiss kita today, ha. Hay... Ano ba? Di ka pa ba pwede bumisita kahit sa panaginip lang ulit? Konting balita naman sa yo. Kung pwede lang naman.

Eh nung lunes pinagawa ako ni dad nung lagi mong request na Chicken Enchilada, hindi Chili Enchilada! Hehe. Wala na tuloy akong assistant. Pero in fairness, masarap naman yung nagawa ko. Si dad na lang ang tumulong sa akin. Sayang! Sana nandito ka pa para nakakain ka!

Malapit na pala kami magkitakits ng mga berks mo sa PCMC. Dami na naman ang tumulong sa atin! Ngayon iba naman ang pasasayahin natin. Yung mga friends mo naman. Me drawing book, crayola, pencils, eraser, sharpener at stickers na tayong pang-surprise sa kanila. Gusto ko nga sanang magsama ng pellet gun na may laser light (kagaya nung last na pinabili mo sa akin sa Divi) kaso bawal sa bata yung mga guns. Baka hulihin pa ako ng pulis!

Hahanapin kita dun sa PCMC sa DEc. 7, ha? Mag-smile ka sa akin ha. Bawal ang sungit! Bantayan mo na rin sila--yung mga kids doon para naman gumaling na sila kagaya ng gusto mong mangyari sa yo noon.

Ano pa? Si Bibby tumataba na. Pero feeling ko alam mo na yon. Baka nga mas nalalaro mo pa sya kesa sa akin.

Finally, nakita ko na rin pala yung MTV ni Lea Salongga. Bakit ba naman ngayon ko lang naisip i-search sa Youtube!?! Di mo na tuloy siya napanood! But anyway, ipopost ko na rin sya dito para kung sakaling aktib ang Wi-Fi nyo dyan sa heaven, mapapanood mo na rin siya!

Alam ko ikaw yung naglalakad sa corridor na may kaakbay dun sa part na "living side by side" yung sinasabi ni Lea. Ayus ka talaga! Istar!

Miss ko na talaga yung ismile mo, Nichi!

At kahit matagal tagal na tayong di nagkikita, lab na lab na lab na lab pa rin kita! BAlang araw, embrace mo ulit ako, ha!

Lab yu, Gigi!

Mwah!

Ate Tye


* * *

Here's, Together You and I, Lea Salongga's MTV for one of DepED's projects, Brigada Eskwela 2006. It was shot in the public school Nichi attended the whole of his grade school years.

Nichi was excited about it being that he'd be on TV and all. Unfortunately, he never got to see this video. But I'm sure he's seen it in his cool new pad right now.

Epitaph

I got a text message from my Dad that Nichi’s “tombstone” at the ossuary, where Nichi's ashes lie, now has his name inscripted on it. Unfortunately the silver letters we waited for for around three months were kind of anti-climactic because, as my Dad reported it, they misspelled Nichi’s name.

They skipped the “h.”

I checked it out tonight before going home; it really didn’t have the “h” on “Nichole.”

The text goes:

Joseph Nicole L. Delgado
“Nichi”
May 12, 1994 July 24, 2007

I wasn’t able to take a picture of it. It was pretty much dark at the ossuary. Still, there is something distressing about seeing your family’s name, especially that of your youngest brother, on a lot for the dead.

It kind of seals the deal. That he really is the one interred there. And reality bites as if it never does on a daily basis.

If I were to add an epitaph on Nichi’s new pad’s façade, I’ll write:

“Here lie the remains of the young man who made a lot of people happy."

Because that is reality. The non-biting realty.







****Late post: Here's Nichi's silver label:

Sa Simoy ng Malamig na Hangin

Malamig na ang simoy ng hangin. Nangangahulugan lamang na paparating na ang Pasko.

Ngunit ang bawat ihip ng malamig na hangin na dati kong inaasam-asam, ngayon ay kurot sa nagluluksa kong puso. Masakit nitong pinapaalala sa akin na darating ang Pasko kahit na malungkot ako. Kahit na tumitigil ang mundo ko sa bawat alaala ng yumao kong kapatid.

Hindi ko alam kung papaano na nga ba ang gagawin ko pagsapit ng araw kung saan lahat ay nagsasaya. Lahat ay nagpapasalamat kung ano ang mayroon sila.

Natatakot ako na ngayong taon, ang bukod-tanging mananahan sa isip ko ay yaong wala sa akin. Ang kapatid ko. Siyang laging masayang nag-aabang ng Pasko. Siyang isa sa mga hinahandugan ko ng pinakaespesyal na regalong nakayanan ko.

Marahil ay tutulo na lamang ang mga luha, mas marami kaysa sa araw araw kong itinatangis. Siguro’y aatakihin ako ng sakit na araw araw kong sinusubukang ikubli para lang magmukhang normal at matatag.

Ngunit ang katotohanan, naglalakad ako, nagtatrabaho, nakikihalubilo sa kapwa ko at patuloy na namumuhay nang butas ang pagkatao. May kulang sa akin. Nailibing iyon kasama ng aking kapatid.

Madalas akong humingi ng tawad sa kanya dahil nagkakaganito ako gayong sinabi ko sa kanya bago siya pumanaw na wala siyang dapat alalahanin sakaling piliin niyang mamahinga. Hindi ko akalain na mahirap pala ang ipinangako ko sa kanya.

Maramot ako sa pamamahagi ng aking pagmamahal. Sadyang pili lamang ang mga tao kung kanino kaya kong ipadama ang pagmamahal ko nang walang pag-aalinlangan. Nakakalungkot dahil isa pa sa kanila ang kinailangang mawala.

Marahil nga may dahilan kung bakit dapat mangyari ito. Kung bakit dapat pumanaw ng kapatid ko. Kung bakit dapat kong danasin ang ganitong sakit. Maski sa gitna ng mga kirot na nadarama ko, kaya kong ibigay ang mga dahilang iyon. Lamang, hindi nito mapapawi ang kalungkutan ko na dala ng panghihinayang at pag-aasam na makapiling ko muli ang kapatid ko.

Ewan ko kung gaano katagal ako magtitiis at kung ilang beses ako dapat humingi ng tawad sa kalungkutan kong ito. Hindi ko talaga alam.

Sa ngayon kailangan ko lang talagang mabuhay sa katotohanang wala na siya at kahit ano pang iyak ang gawin ko ay hindi na siya muling babalik. Kailangan kong ikurap ang aking mga mata para mabura ang anumang larawan niya habang siya’y naghihirap, ang mga nakakabagabag na sulyap sa mga mas malala pang bagay na kanyang tiniis.

Ang alaala na lang ng kanyang mga ngiti ang magliligtas sa akin. Iyon ang magpapaalala sa akin na di na ako dapat malungkot. Hindi ko na dapat alalahanin pa kung ano ang dapat ko pang nagawa at kung ano ang mga naging pagkukulang ko. Hindi na iyon mahalaga ngayon.

Mahal na mahal ko ang kapatid ko bagaman may mga panahong di kami nagkakasundo o may pagkukulang ako. Alam ko naman na mahal din niya ako. Gaya nga ng sinabi niya sa akin noon, kung gaano ko man siya kamahal, ang pagmamahal niya sa akin, “lampas pa doon!”


At kung kakayanin ko, iisipin ko na lang na hindi kurot at pait ang dulot ng malamig na simoy ng hangin. Bagkus, iyon ang kanyang mga halik na dati na niyang, walang pag-aatubiling binibigay sa akin.

Magic Sing, Eric Clapton, Inihaw, and Music in General

The last time Nichi held the Magic Sing (microphone), he said that he can barely hold it up for long which was surprising considering that our Magic Sing is very light.

But Nichi loves to sing so he proceeded on hitting the notes while lying down on the sofa. He was having a hard time sitting for long.

This was in June. He died in July.

* * *

A while ago, in the hopes of eluding the things I should be doing, and in between not doing anything at all, I decided to unearth the Magic Sing and hum. (I’m no good, thus the “hum.”)

Then I felt I had do Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven which didn’t bring me to tears at all and it was rather consoling, especially the part which says:

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

* * *

Dad and I finally got to do our long overdue grocery shopping for the month of September last Thursday. We usually replenish our supplies on a weekend but since my office is now a few hops away from the supermarket we frequent, we can now do it on a weekday.

It used to be also that Nichi tags along. He has several of his own supplies-to-buy in mind that’s why he comes. And anyway, there’s a wooden swing in the middle of the supermarket where he can sit and rest whenever he feels like it.

And so buying our month’s supplies we, dad and I, did. We got ourselves a cab and sat our way home.

It wasn’t long after we settled in when one of Nichi’s songs was played on the radio. I say it’s Nichi’s song because he sang it with his signature performance level to Ate Win through voice chat probably around May or June this year. I didn’t know of this song not until after I asked Nichi about it. I initially thought he just made the whole song up.

And now I know it’s Inihaw by Siakol.

You may check it out here:

I take it, the playing of Inihaw in the most opportune time, was Nichi's way of saying that he was there, as he always was, grocery shopping with us.

* * *

Songs.

They speak a certain language that has the power to let you feel you weren’t abandoned. A power that allows you to connect. A force that reminds you that no matter how much it hurts, things are going to be fine.

And things are going to be fine.

...for my family and me, and, of course, for Nichi.

Nichi's Second Monthsary

Please click on this Link for some sort of a primer.

Tol, ay, Gigi pala!

Dalawang buwan na tayong di nagkakausap! Namimiss na kita. Tapos ito pa si Juday, panay ang pagpa-plug sa radyo tungkol sa Bike for Life ng Cancer Warriors Foundation, Inc. Naaalala tuloy kita. Samantalang dati, nakikita lang natin yung magandang billboard ni Juday sa EDSA tuwing pagkagaling natin sa PCMC. Akalain mong sinusuportahan pala niya yung mga "classmates" mo!

Monday last week, binisita namin ni Dad yung mga friends mo sa PCMC. Konti lang ang naabutan namin dun, hindi kasi Tuesday o kaya Friday. Yung mga Hema fellows nasa meeting pa kaya di tuloy kami nakapag-thank you sa kanila ng personal dahil sa pag-aalaga nila sa iyo. Tapos hinahanap ka nung secretary ni Dr. Ortiz. Hindi niya pa pala alam na "nag-abroad" ka na. Maski daw yung naggugupit sa yo sa F-Salon hinahanap ka, sabi ni dad.

Si Dr. Alba, inabot namin. Kaso di ko na-share sa kanya yung sinabi mo sa akin nung June na nagugustuhan mo na siya kasi masaya pa rin siya kahit na malala na. Baka kasi maiyak pa ako pag nagsalita ako kaya nag-ismile na lang ako sa kanya.

Kanina sa klase ko, kinwento kita sa mga estudyante ko, for a change. Dati kasi sila ang ikinuwento ko sa iyo. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang bida. Sinabi ko sa kanila na ikaw kasi ang bravest person whom I know. Yun kasi ang sharing namin sa class kanina. Naku, yung isa pang bata walang naisulat dahil wala daw siyang kilala na matapang na tao. Mabuti na lang ako, nakilala kita kaya ayun, may naikwento ako sa kanila. Wag ka mag-alala, maayos ang pagdescribe ko sa yo. Ikaw pa e gwapong-gwapo ako sa iyo!

Hindi naman ako napaiyak. Yung isa kong student ang umiyak. Na-tats sa kwento mo. Speaking of kwento, ginagawan ko na ng paraan yung kwento mo sa Magpakailanman. Ang kulit din kasi ni Dad. Ayusin ko raw.

Kakatayin mo ba ako kung hindi ako ang magsulat ng script ng buhay mo? Gusto ko sana, para naman malaman mo na may ibubuga naman si Ate sa pagsusulat kaso mahirap talaga siya. Yun lang ngang goal ko na isulat ang mga bagay bagay tungkol sa iyo para naman maipublish at tuluyan naming maipagmalaki sa maraming tao kung gaano ka ka-astig, di ko maabot-abot. Pero pramis, balang araw papasikatin din kita.

Salamat pala dun sa huling bisita mo sa akin. Alam kong panaginip lang yon pero at least pinayagan mo akong i-embrace ka. Next time kiss naman, ha? Sana hindi ako nakagulo sa meeting ninyo ni Papa Jesus. Pasensya na kung ginugulo kita dyan tuwing nag-eemote ako dito.

Na-gets ko pala yung mensahe mo sa akin. "No more tears. Try it!" Ang husay mo talaga. Kaso di ko ma-papramis na hindi na ako ngunguyngoy. Kasi namin, miss na miss ko nang pagpipindutin ang mala-kutis mayaman mong mga braso. Hmmm...nanggigigil pa rin ako sa iyo. Ah lab you so much pa rin!

Malapit na palang lumabas yung inaanak natin. Bantayan mo sila ni Ate, ha? Ako naman ang bahala sa surprise natin kay Baby.

Sorry pala di kita nabisita nitong Sunday. Si Dad na naman lang nakasama mo. Kasi naman, yung pina-duplicate ni Ma na susi ko dun sa "pad" mo, hindi kasya sa padlock. Di tuloy kita nadaanan kanina. Di bale, lagi ko namang kinakausap yung picture mo sa sala. Alam ko naman kasi na nandyan ka lang palagi. Kahit busy kang mag-PS3 o kaya mag-Magic Sing dyan sa langit, alam ko, sinisilip mo kami. Nararamdaman ko yon. Kaya nga bitbit kita palagi sa puso ko.

O ayan, humahaba na. Kitakits na lang tayo sa dream and eventually, dyan sa bago mong tambayan. Ikaw naman ang magtutour sa akin pag nakapasok ako dyan.

I lab you, Nichi! Alam mo naman yon, e.

Oh, God I miss the Boy!

Namimiss ko talaga si Kulas.

Sa Linggo mag-40 days na siya. Ang tagal na since last ko sya nahawakan! Limited na lang ako ngayon sa pagtingin ng pictures at pagnood ng videos niya. Wala e, ganoon talaga!

Si Daddy, pagpinupunasan yung picture ni Nichi, kinakausap niya si Kulas at sinasabi, "Dong, hanggang punas na lang tayo. Di na kita mapapaliguan!"

Sounds funny pero I feel the pain in his statement.

Nung gabi bago sinintensyahan nung neurologist si Nichi (bago niya naibigay ang final interpretation ng EMG ni Nichi), di talaga ako nakatulog nang matino. Literally na naramdaman ko na may nakadagan sa puso ko. Di nga ako makahinga. Di lang ako nag-iingay dahil katabi ko si Nichi noon. Minsan nakakainis kasi sa mga nangyari, ramdam na ramdam ko na powerless ako. Sa lahat ng mga kaya kong gawin, wala doong makakapagpahaba ng buhay ni Nichi. Nag-pansit naman kami nung birthday niya! For long life sana kaso hindi sya nag-work.

Ewan ko ba! Magfoforty days na pero hindi pa rin maging tunay na normal ang buhay nang wala si Nichi. Somehow, may naiwan na void sa pagkatao ko nang mawala siya. Ang tapang ko pa naman noon dahil naisip ko, walang sinuman ang makakapag-iwan ng void sa akin. Pati pala yon hindi ko kayang kontrolin.

Minsan naiiyak pa rin ako. Kagaya nung weekend, nagbabasa ako ng lumang libro nang malaglag yung nakasingit na scratch paper kung saan nakasulat yung draft ng reaction paper ni Nichi sa isa sa mga story dun sa book. May mga reminders pa sa class nila sa gilid. Iba talaga si Kulas! marami syang ways para bulagain kami.

Nung isang linggo naman, paglipat ko sa dashboard ng blog ko, nakita ko sa isa sa mga tips na nakapost yung sample profile ng isang blogger. Ito yung pangalan niya:

"Tyrone Nicholas"...parang pinagsama yung pangalan naming dalawa.


Tapos nung isang beses naman na inanyayahan kami nung paring huling nagbasbas kay Nichi sa isang misa na para na rin sa kaluluwa niya, yung flags na naka-attach sa sides ng simbahan ay kulay green. Favorite color ni Nichi yon. Feel na feel tuloy yung presence niya doon sa simbahan. Nakakalungkot lang nga kasi yung misa na iyon ay dinaluhan ng mga estudyante sa eskwelhang malapit dun sa simbahan. Congregational mass nila kung baga. Sabit lang kami ni Mommy, kung hindi man special guest. Naisip ko tuloy, sayang! Sana isa na lang si Nichi sa mga bata doon. Healthy, kumakanta, nagsisimba habang nakikipagkwentuhan sa katabi niya.

Madalas naaalala ko si Kulas kapag ipinipikit ko na ang aking mga mata tuwing gabi. Naiisip ko kung ano ang mga huling bagay na sumagi sa kanyang isipan habang nararamdaman niya ang papalapit na pagwawakas ng kanyang buhay. Siguro takot na takot iyon. Sana talaga yung pagtayo ko at paglapit sa kanya tuwing naalimpungatan ako dahil gising siya, sana kahit papaano, nakatulong iyon para maibsan ang takot nya. Nagsisisi nga ako. Sana nakipagsiksikan na lang ako sa kama niya at nang may katabi siya sa huling magdamag niya sa mundo. Sana rin hindi na lang ako umalis sa kwarto kung nasaan siya nung buong araw ng July 24. E di sana naipadama ko sa kanya sa huling pagkakataon na lab na lab ko siya. Yun yung mga bagay na pinagsisisihan ko.

Sumasagi rin sa isip ko kung tama ba ginive up namin sya? Kasi sinasabihan na namin siya noon na magpahinga na kung pagod na talaga siya. Kitang kita naman kasi kung papaano binugbog ng sakit niya yung katawan niya. Kaya naman nung mga oras na iyon, pinakamainam na sa kanya ang magpahinga na lang. Hindi siyempre madali sa amin ang pagpahingahin na siya pero yun ang kailangan naming tiisin kesa naman tuluyan pang maghirap si Nichi. Hindi kasi iyon kagaya last year na kahit hirap siya, mararamdaman mo na may pag-asa pa. Na kaya pang lumaban.

Ang nahihirapan lang akong tanggapin e yung fact na gusto pa talaga ni Nichi mabuhay. Two weekends before nga siya pumanaw, umiyak siya sa amin ni Dad while telling us na wala nang adventure ang buhay niya. Kasi nga naman parati na lang siya natutulog. Nakakaawa talaga kasi kung siya ang masusunod, gusto niya yung buhay na laging on the go. More than double yung sakripisyo niya nang mabedridden siya.

Sana talaga dun sa mga huling oras ni Nichi e napawi na ang takot niya kaya he chose na rin to succumb to death. Mukha namang naging maaliwalas na ang mukha niya matapos siyang mabasbasan ng pari. Kaya umaasa ako na hindi na siya takot nung mga huling minuto niya.

Yun yata ang hirap kapag di nako-coma o naguulyanin ang pasyente. Up to the last minute alam niyang ang mga nangyayari sa kanya. Up to the last minute din natetest ang tapang niya.

Matapang si Nichi. Pinakita niya yon sa maraming tao. Siguro habang nabubuhay ako, hindi ko malilimutan yung bukod tanging lakas ng loob na sa kanya ko lang nakita. Hanep talaga!

Sa kabila naman ng lahat ng nangyari, ang daming tao talaga ang tumulong sa amin. Kaya naman ito ang isang thank-you note na inihanda ko para sa kanila:

Sana sa pamamagitan niyan, maramdaman nila kung gaano namin naapreciate ang lahat ng ginawa nila para sa kapatid ko. Sana rin makita nila kung gaano ka-gwapo si Nichi kahit ano pa man ang look na iniisport niya.

Yung mga masasayang pictures ni Nichi na madalas kong tingnan ngayon at yung mga kalokohan (tricks) niya sa mga video ang nagpapangiti sa akin ngayon. Yon yung tumutulong sa akin para maiwasan ko yung pakiramdam na gusto kong mag-amok dahil di ba, nawalan ako, hindi lang ng kung anong bagay lamang kundi ng isang kapatid na napakadaling mahalin at napakahirap kalimutan. Somehow feeling ko nadaya o naisahan ako. Basta, obvious ang reasons sa minsang galit na nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko siya maipaliwanag ng malinaw. Kaso, kahit ano pang tantrums ang gawin ko, hndi naman na maibabalik si Nichi.

Noong birthday ko nitong nakaraang June, sinabi ko kay Nichi, "Lab na lab na lab na lab na lab na lab... na lab kita!" Tapos tinanong ko siya, "Ikaw lab mo ako?"

"Lampas pa doon." Sabi niya. Nakaka-touch talaga.

Sinabihan ko pa nga siya, "Pwede ka nang magkagirlfriend. Ang galing mong mambola!" Pero siyempre deep inside, naiiyak ako kasi pinahahalagahan ako ng utol ko more than pa pala sa pagpapahalagang ibinibigay ko sa kanya.

Tapos kapag naman nagpapa-embrace ako sa kanya at ayaw na niyang tumayo para yakapin ako sinasabi na lang niya sa akin habang nag-bu-beautiful eyes, "Bukas na lang."

O, siya Nichi, darating din ang bukas na maeembrace kita ulit. Magpapakabait ako at nang mapunta rin ako jan sa bago mong tambayan. Lagi mong tatandaan na sa gitna ng crazy emotions ko until today, lab na lab na lab na lab na lab...na lab pa rin kita!

Still Remembering

I'm exhausted in more ways than one.

Physically, I'm drained from all the moving in the office. And yes, I've carried boxes of diffrent weights and sizes, tables, shelves, steel cabinets and whatnots--although I didn't lift the things I just enumerated by myself. Well at least not some of the tables and shelves and steel cabinets.

I have bruises on my knees from all the pushing of heavy stuff I did. But I have to admit that I am looking forward to our first complete day at the new office tomorrow even if it means another day of lifting and pushing and unpacking in a place devoid of airconditioning and even free flowing air.

Then there's the sleep deprivation which is mostly my fault. I have been staying up really late--make that really early, as in until after midnight. Mostly I spend the time browsing photos and videos of you-know-who. By this time, my readers would think Nichi is overrated but I feel otherwise.

I am compelled to satisfy my need to get a healthy dose of Nichi whenever I can. If only to soothe my inflicted emotions and restless mind.

So here. I wish to share how our Nichi is like in a normal day. He dances when he feels like it. And when he does, he never fails to add his own twist to popular moves.

The rest of the video's still us...in a normal day. (Notice how I highlight how normal this scene is at home. Oh, how I wish I'd have that normal day again!)

Nichi on Video

Mostly we watch videos of Nichi or simply look at his photos...

Here's an MTV our dad prepared featuring Nichi and his undaunted spirit!



Meanwhile here's an another MTV prepared by one of the many people who cares about Nichi. (Too bad they haven't met in person.)

So Little Time, So Much To Do

I feel like there’s a sudden surge of things I’d like to do. If only I get the time and the active energy to transform my ideas into the productive outputs I dream of, then I will be in peace.

Nichi seemed to have felt this same feeling before. He tended to become obsessed with things he suddenly feels like accomplishing. He’s always in a hurry and somehow restless to do his desired tasks. Some of which are finishing the adventure games he collected for his Gameboy in less than four months, buying several editions of how-to-draw-manga books which he studied and applied in his artworks, assembling his Gundam robots, and asking me to buy PS2 games even before the Playstation Kuya Wah gave him has not been flown to our home. (The PS2-related message is the last text message Nichi sent me. It goes: “Rainbow na lang ung barilan 2players un.” He sent it to me last June 25, 5:38 pm. I saved the message in my phone.)

Boy, I won’t get over missing that kid! His demise has caused me to want so badly to turn back time. I’ve made a lot of blunders in my life but I would never ever want to rewind the time to undo my faults. But this time, I want to travel back to the past, even the not-so-distant one just to get to hug and kiss my brother again. I want to talk to him. I want to listen to his stories. I want to bug him until he’d hate me for staying too close. I want to pig out with him and hang out in the mall with him. I want to read him a story and be interrupted by his relentless questions or discover that he’s been sleeping the whole time I’ve been delivering my oral interpretation of whatever story we’ve chosen to indulge in. I want to stare at him. I want to take his pictures and not just look at still photos that don’t react to me looking. I want to stroke his infant-like hair and sniff them occasionally. I want to hold his hand and tell him, “Mukha ka talagang anak ng mayaman. Wag ka magpapakalat-kalat sa labas at baka makidnap ka.” I want to hear him laugh, like he’s having a heart attack. I want to see him prepare the refrigerated cake I taught him to make—the same recipe our sister taught me to make—and wrap the lumpiang shanghai he so-meticulously rolls and seals. I want to have him convince me to accompany him to the internet shop where he plays net games with his peers. I want him to lean on my shoulders while we’re riding a cab. I want him to welcome me home again, update me with things I missed when I’m not around, sit on our dining table for hearty meals. I want him to explain to me those Yugi-Oh characters I never appreciated before. I want him to tell me what a good anime Bleach is as well as Detective Conan, to which I agree. I would love to watch the new seasons of Heroes and Lost with him. I want to have conversations with him, the likes that go:

Me: Nichi alagaan mo ako kapag tumandang dalaga ako, ha?
Nichi: Ate, dapat magkaanak ka na lang.

I would like it if I were given the chance to tease him for the girlfriend he got himself. (He told me last year that he’s planning to have a girlfriend this year, to which I objected. He’s too young!) I want him to share his ideas when it comes to being a good godfather to our future niece. I want him to be there so that I would have someone to ask, “Nichi, papasok pa ba ako?” I want to accompany him and dad to the adoration chapel near our house and see him radiate with faith. I want to admire his positive attitude on almost everything, from every word that comes out of his mouth. I want to hear his plans for tomorrow. I want him to be here and not be just some memory. I want to see and feel him happy.

So many things! I had my chances and I wouldn’t say I blew them but I want more of those. If I had it my way, I would have more of those. I really would.

Somehow Nichi’s death took out my fear of my own death, not that I’d kill myself. No way will I do that anymore! Otherwise, I wouldn’t be giving Nichi's early goodbye any justice. I refuse to be bad, too. I'm afraid I wouldn't be be accepted there in his place now if I'm evil.

I just miss him.

I want to do the things I dream of doing and I’d like to also be the extension of Nichi's dreams that’s why my to-do list is now cramped. But I don’t mind. Because my little time to which I’d pack every item on my list, my little time is not so little compared to his.

I’m lucky to have him for my brother. As if that’s not enough, his short life made me realize more how blessed I am to have had that thing he no longer has: time here on earth.

To Anyone from Magpakailanman

I’m writing to you now because June of this year, I got a text message from my youngest brother, Nichi, which goes, “Ate nakita ko sa GMA na naghahanap sila ng kwento sa Magpakailanman.”

I replied to Nichi, “Bakit? Gusto mo bang ipadala natin ang buhay mo”

He answered, “Yun na nga ang ibig kong sabihin.”

I called him right after that to check how serious he was about sending his life story to Magpakailanman. He was not kidding about it. However, I did not pursue Nichi’s idea because I was somehow hoping for him to get better. I was thinking that it would have been the only way for his story to have a good ending once it was shown on TV.

Contrary to how I was planning his story to go, Nichi did not get better. He died July 24, 2007 at the age of 13 because of leukemia, the disease he had been fighting since 2001.

My whole family and I are grieving for our loss. And although it is difficult to find the good in a loved-one’s death, we find comfort in the thought that, at least now, he is in a better place, devoid of pain.

Throughout Nichi’s battle, we all prayed for a miracle to happen. Ultimately, we asked God to let Nichi graduate from his disease and live the normal life he once had. We didn’t get that one miracle but as it turns out, we’ve witnessed, through Nichi, a series of miracles which, despite how much hurt we feel right now, reminds us that there is indeed a compassionate Being up there who listened to our pleas.

The six-year extension to Nichi’s life from the day he was diagnosed of leukemia is already a blessing. Last year, when Nichi’s immuno-compromised body suffered complications, he was able to recover through the grace of God. Nichi was almost in perfect health during our sister’s wedding last December. No one would have imagined that just four months prior to that event, he was in the ICU of the Philippine Children’s Medical Center fighting for every critical second of his life. Nichi’s struggle has touched the hearts of many people. Friends, family, and strangers alike sent their support for Nichi and our family. They came in prayers, blood donation, financial aid, and moral support. It is really overwhelming how a young boy proved that people, even in our time, genuinely care. Through Nichi, we met a number of angels here on earth, all willing to put in help in whatever way they can.

If you will allow us to share Nichi’s story, your viewers will definitely learn so many things from his life. I know that it is too late for him to give you a first hand account of his journey but I’m sure that wherever Nichi is right now, he will still be more than willing to let people know him.

In spite of his death, I believe that Nichi’s life isn’t all that tragic because, as I have said before, it is a life full of miracles. I know my brother. I have witnessed his adventures since the day he was born. I’m certain that he wanted me to send you his story because he wanted people to learn from him. Moreover, he wished people to realize that no matter what kind of predicament they are in, something good always turns out from it.

A Thank-you Letter from my Dad

My dear friends,

Please allow me to thank you, in behalf of my family, for all the help and support (emotional, spiritual, financial) you have extended to our beloved sweet little Nichi. I will not tire saying this to all of you over and over again because you were the force that gave us strength during our struggle to keep Nichi with us. You made us feel we were not alone. You made our predicament much easier to bear. I know deep in my heart that right now Nichi is praying for all of us. Once he asked me, “why are these people helping me?” “Because you are a very good boy,” was my reply. “How can I thank them all?” he added. I said, “You can thank them by including them in your prayers.”

I thought I was that strong—telling my family especially my children, especially Kuya Migs (Nichi’s 14 year old brother) that whatever happens we will continue to live our daily lives. I really thought I was that strong—arranging (a few days before Nichi’s demise) for the funeral service, the chapel where his remains will be interred and the crypt in the ossuary where he will rest—I was wrong! Lately, I find myself teary-eyed in whatever place I am—in a public conveyance, in the mall, in our room—just the thought of Nichi, tears spontaneously come out of my eyes. I really miss my son. I really miss my beloved Nichi.

In the afternoon before his death, I cried. I cried because Nichi wanted to live. He had been praying to St. Peregrine since the night before hoping he be spared from the inevitable. I cried because Nichi wanted to be with his siblings where he is most happy. I cried because there was nothing I could do. I went to the nearby adoration chapel, the sacred place where Nichi and I frequented during the last few months. This is where we say our prayers. This is where I offered myself so Nichi might live. This is where oftentimes I will see tears flowing down Nichi’s face while he was praying. This time, though, was different—I was alone and saying a different prayer, “God please put Nichi to sleep and then take him. He is all yours. I’d be happy if You take him before the day ends.”

At nightfall, Nichi had his last confession and communion. Each member of the family talked to Nichi assuring him that it was all right for him to go. We will miss him but we assured him also that we will be okay. After a few minutes, Nichi took a deep breath then exhaled his last and it was over. It was 10:10PM .

I am inviting you all to visit Tyrene’s http://battik.blogspot.com to share with you more about Nichi.

We are working on a project to fulfill Nichi’s wish: that his life story be dramatized in a local TV program.

May the blessings of the Lord, our God be with you and your loved ones. Thank you very much.

Always,

Willie Delgado

PS: please forward this email to more of our friends. I don’t want to miss thanking any one of them. Thank you.

Making a List

I just finished the last of the iced tea pack Nichi had requested our dad to buy for him. And, Nichi, he’s one who gives weight to the word ICE in “iced tea.” Even on his final days, he wanted the ice present in his tea.

Lately, I have been contemplating on the things Nichi left, like that pack of iced tea. I have this list in mind:

- Yung plato niyang may design na sili. (Pampagana! Not that he needs appetite boosters, but the plate just suited him for some cute reason.)

I just saw my dad using Nichi’s plate. I asked him, “[Dad] sa ‘yo na yang plato ni Nichi?” He let out a sigh-ish laugh. I added, “Baka ganahan ka na nyan. Tataba ka na.” Dad said, “Sana nga.”

- Mga things nya. Nichi is one of the most organized people whom I know. He doesn’t leave his slippers lying around, lost in the middle of the house. He has a knack for leaving them in one corner placed side by side, like a well-behaved pair of footwear.

Nichi’s slippers are now with Ate in Singapore. However Nichi’s other stuff are still where he left them: at several parts of our house, inside the drawers and boxes he so tediously kept in order. There he keeps his drawing notebooks with really wonderful sketches. (He learned to draw people starting with doodles, a style he acquired from the drawing-the-manga-way books he bought this year.) He also has his diary which, amazingly, is full of positive thoughts despite how his treatments have been rough on him. Then there are his Yugi-oh cards; the pellet gun with a red laser light—the one he forced me to buy in Divisoria and which he boasted to Ate Win when Ate came home to be with Nichi on what-was-his-final-days; two pencil cases; an mp3 player; and his prized collection of Gundam Robots among others.

- Aside from the iced tea, there are still some of Nichi’s Stick-O and 2 big packs of yellow M&Ms left. The big bottle of Heinz Ketchup Nichi half-consumed is also there at our fridge. There's also the box of unpopped popcorns we bought him during our last visit at the supermarket. The pharmacy part of our refrigerator remained untouched until my dad cleaned it yesterday. A lot of Nichi’s meds are there. I saw a half-filled bottle of Dilantin and unopened bottle of Purinethol along with other drugs Nichi religiously took when he was still alive.

- Nichi’s toys are everywhere in the house. There are the battleship game and the control pad for PC which I gave him for Christmas. He also has a Mastermind game which was a pasalubong from Ate Win. Then there's the Risk: Starwars, Clone Wars Edition which he bought with his own savings. He has two remote control cars and two remote control helicopters. There’s also the PS2 Kuya Wah gave him which Nichi tried to enjoy even when his fingers were too weak to press the buttons of the control pad.

- Last night I saw the mini Guyito Nichi painted last year.

- He also has some books. One of which is the “Emperor’s New Clothes” which I gave him. He won best actor in his class back when he was in grade six (or five) for playing the emperor. He did a hilarious re-enactment of that role for us, his whole family, to see his winning portrayal. Too bad we don’t have it on video.

- Nichi left a lot of photos. There’s a series of pictures he himself took which he called “egg.” It featured his bald head everywhere in our house. He has many videos with the help of our brother, Jowin and Mic, who both have a flair for home moviemaking. Needless to say, Nichi was always their willing actor. Nichi also left several voice recordings in his cellphone and in Ate's and my cellphone; on tape; and I guess, on his mp3 player. I have yet to check if the singing voice he recorded in Ate’s Magic Sing has been preserved.

- Nichi left his 2nd Friendster account with a comment “Add nyo ako…” (We can no longer access his first account because even he forgot its password.) Perhaps, we can still do as he wishes. You can add him and we will accept you in his behalf. His email address is nichole_delgado@yahoo.com. Incidentally, the background which he set for his Friendster account features Xmen’s Archangel flying towards...heaven, I guess.

- Nichi left us with a lot of good memories which, despite us missing him, will forever paint a smile on our faces. Mom was right in thanking Nichi for making us happy during the times when he was still around.

- Nichi left his classmates and friends whose presence brings comfort, at least for me, because those children are just some of the people Nichi cared about other than us, his family.

- Nichi left his youth and dreams which is kind of frustrating but every time I remember that at least he lived his 13 years to the fullest, I feel a bit better.

- Nichi left us, his family, partly grieving for our loss but partly relieved that at least this time Nichi no longer has to suffer.