Confessions of a Financial Loser

There is nothing to confess really. Except that, I am a financial loser.

Both my siblings who are working earn extremely more than I do. All of my friends undoubtedly take home more cash than I do. And I have a feeling that all people who are my age and who have similar educational background as mine earn at least twice than I do.

As I've said I am a financial loser.

My savings is zilch. Other than a few peso bills I keep for luck (they include a lot of ten peso bills and a 500-peso bill with "flowers" beside their serial number, plus a hundred-peso bill with the UP centennial logo), I have nothing.

What I do have are debts. That thing my sister paid for me a year ago which I haven't paid back until now and that other plane ticket I am four months away from paying in full.

I do have credit cards with big credit limits. (I have a feeling these credit card companies are conspiring to get me into trouble.) I could go on an extravagant shopping spree with my plastic money! But what will be the point of a series of carefree swipes if my world crumbles at the sight of my credit card statement, right? So I refuse to indulge.

I don't know where my money goes every month. My hard-earned cash, gone without a trace. I'm quite sure it doesn't go to the so-called "social life" because as far as my schedule is concerned, I don't have the luxury of a social life. I am alarmingly behind with my "responsibilities" at home, too. I plea "guilty" to that. I should be crucified.

My brother said I should have a personal accountant who would attend to my "assets." But hiring one would most likely take away what-could-have-been-my-unaccounted-for-assets. Not good at all.

Sometimes, I think, I work for cab drivers. I rack my brain and strain my muscles (mostly my carpal muscles) for more than nine hours a day just so I would have something to pay cab drivers in exchange of the comfort of their cabs and the quick trips they provide. (I have learned to accept that in order for me to have extra time in my hands, I have to "buy" time. Sad thing is, it ain't cheap!)

I have no material investment, except for the low-class tripod I bought some years ago which I hardly use because the camera I consider mine decided to consistently malfunction. I rely on hand-me-downs, from the first cellphone I had, down to the one I am using now, they were all given to me. I could not very well afford one. What more that thing which has morphed into a need than a want for a struggling writer such as myself?

I cannot buy anything anymore. I am a financial loser. It's pathetic.

I sometimes feel that a lucky bet at the lottery is the only key to my "salvation".

Unless I win, I am a loser.