Moving On

Today I return to reality. It seems so easy. I wake up, get up, take a bath, eat, go to work, and continue facing life’s challenges. It’s scary going on with my life stripped off with one big part of me: being a sister to Nichi. I cannot just stop caring for him, annoying him, demanding hugs and kisses from him, loving him, worrying for him, doing errands for him, checking him—things I usually do.

It’s not like he’s here for 13 years, then suddenly he’s gone and I’d be fine.

But I seem to be doing well. Too well in fact, it freaks me out. What if I start missing him so badly? How can I hug him again? How will ever get to talk to him again?

After taking my quick nap during lunch break at the office, I woke up hoping that losing Nichi was just a bad dream. I was really wishing that when I get home, he’d be the one to welcome me. He’d open the door and sit with the whole family for dinner.

But having him around is the dream. He being dead is reality.

And then it hurts again.

I know that it is normal that, for now, I grieve. I just lost my brother. It is an unfortunate, irreversible fact of my life now. Soon I will have to teach myself to move on. To miss Nichi and at the same time be happy for him.

I miss him and I am happy for him. I wish to feel him again. I am relieved that now, he no longer suffers. I hope to reconcile both emotions soon. Perhaps in doing so, I’d allow him to enjoy heaven to the fullest instead of me holding him back.