Only in My Dreams

Lately my dreams have been telling me things.

One—no make that two—just made me realize how I am irritated over someone more than thought. Which is kind of liberating. If at daytime you can’t tell someone to grow up and get a grip on that thing called responsibility, well in one’s sleep it’s actually possible. And I discovered, once again, that when I’m upset, I speak in straight English—with correct grammar, too! Unfortunately, the subtext there is that my subconscious thinks in English. What happened to my inner Pinoy?

The other dream or I think dreams are quick ones. They are more of glances—short scenes proving that I’m being haunted by a certain person, not in a creepy way but in a passive, enigmatic manner. It’s just a puzzle.

But none of those two is the reason why I woke up at 5 AM today crying and ending up with a terrible headache. Eleven hours after pulling myself out of that nightmare, I still am bothered by it. As much as I’d rather forget, sharing it may do me good. Because there has to be a reason why it wouldn’t leave my mind. For now, writing about it in my blog is the only one I could think of.

I saw Nichi against a white wall. I knew he was in pain. I approached him to wipe the beads of sweat that have formed on his bald head. Then suddenly he was on the ground. This time in more pain. He was crying. He opened his eyes and screamed, “hindi ko na kayo makita!” [I can no longer see any of you!] I saw his tears. Not clear but translucent red. Seems like blood diluted in water. Even his sweat was translucent red. I was telling him something to comfort him but I didn’t make any sense. I knew I didn’t make sense. I was engulfed with one of the most terrifying feelings in the world no words could describe.

I snapped out of it but regaining consciousness, realizing that it was just a dream didn’t make me feel any better.

I am not ready for that.

I have seen Nichi with his chemo and IT, radiation therapy, at the ICU bed, in a seizure, with collapsed veins, in terrible pain, lost one of his eyes but I am afraid I am not ready for the worst.

I will cry my eyes out. Until my tear ducts run dry. If that’s what it takes to let it go away.

Please, You up there, please make it go away.