So Little Time, So Much To Do

I feel like there’s a sudden surge of things I’d like to do. If only I get the time and the active energy to transform my ideas into the productive outputs I dream of, then I will be in peace.

Nichi seemed to have felt this same feeling before. He tended to become obsessed with things he suddenly feels like accomplishing. He’s always in a hurry and somehow restless to do his desired tasks. Some of which are finishing the adventure games he collected for his Gameboy in less than four months, buying several editions of how-to-draw-manga books which he studied and applied in his artworks, assembling his Gundam robots, and asking me to buy PS2 games even before the Playstation Kuya Wah gave him has not been flown to our home. (The PS2-related message is the last text message Nichi sent me. It goes: “Rainbow na lang ung barilan 2players un.” He sent it to me last June 25, 5:38 pm. I saved the message in my phone.)

Boy, I won’t get over missing that kid! His demise has caused me to want so badly to turn back time. I’ve made a lot of blunders in my life but I would never ever want to rewind the time to undo my faults. But this time, I want to travel back to the past, even the not-so-distant one just to get to hug and kiss my brother again. I want to talk to him. I want to listen to his stories. I want to bug him until he’d hate me for staying too close. I want to pig out with him and hang out in the mall with him. I want to read him a story and be interrupted by his relentless questions or discover that he’s been sleeping the whole time I’ve been delivering my oral interpretation of whatever story we’ve chosen to indulge in. I want to stare at him. I want to take his pictures and not just look at still photos that don’t react to me looking. I want to stroke his infant-like hair and sniff them occasionally. I want to hold his hand and tell him, “Mukha ka talagang anak ng mayaman. Wag ka magpapakalat-kalat sa labas at baka makidnap ka.” I want to hear him laugh, like he’s having a heart attack. I want to see him prepare the refrigerated cake I taught him to make—the same recipe our sister taught me to make—and wrap the lumpiang shanghai he so-meticulously rolls and seals. I want to have him convince me to accompany him to the internet shop where he plays net games with his peers. I want him to lean on my shoulders while we’re riding a cab. I want him to welcome me home again, update me with things I missed when I’m not around, sit on our dining table for hearty meals. I want him to explain to me those Yugi-Oh characters I never appreciated before. I want him to tell me what a good anime Bleach is as well as Detective Conan, to which I agree. I would love to watch the new seasons of Heroes and Lost with him. I want to have conversations with him, the likes that go:

Me: Nichi alagaan mo ako kapag tumandang dalaga ako, ha?
Nichi: Ate, dapat magkaanak ka na lang.

I would like it if I were given the chance to tease him for the girlfriend he got himself. (He told me last year that he’s planning to have a girlfriend this year, to which I objected. He’s too young!) I want him to share his ideas when it comes to being a good godfather to our future niece. I want him to be there so that I would have someone to ask, “Nichi, papasok pa ba ako?” I want to accompany him and dad to the adoration chapel near our house and see him radiate with faith. I want to admire his positive attitude on almost everything, from every word that comes out of his mouth. I want to hear his plans for tomorrow. I want him to be here and not be just some memory. I want to see and feel him happy.

So many things! I had my chances and I wouldn’t say I blew them but I want more of those. If I had it my way, I would have more of those. I really would.

Somehow Nichi’s death took out my fear of my own death, not that I’d kill myself. No way will I do that anymore! Otherwise, I wouldn’t be giving Nichi's early goodbye any justice. I refuse to be bad, too. I'm afraid I wouldn't be be accepted there in his place now if I'm evil.

I just miss him.

I want to do the things I dream of doing and I’d like to also be the extension of Nichi's dreams that’s why my to-do list is now cramped. But I don’t mind. Because my little time to which I’d pack every item on my list, my little time is not so little compared to his.

I’m lucky to have him for my brother. As if that’s not enough, his short life made me realize more how blessed I am to have had that thing he no longer has: time here on earth.