Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Hiding Inside a Theater

I know that I have all the right to grieve but somehow, I feel that I have to keep my sadness to myself to avoid infecting my family who is as distraught as I am for our Nichi’s early demise. And even if my tears are not persuasive enough to entice theirs to flow, I would hate it if they’d worry for me ceaselessly crying.

At times like this, we are compelled to look after each other and I guess somehow we end up suppressing our emotions which isn’t at all good.

I, for example, am going around in circles. I honestly don’t know how to fill the void Nichi left. Yes, there are those memories of him, real and comforting, that would allow me to stay fine but when I realize that I won’t be making new memories with him ever again, I return to feeling empty.

I want to place my life into a pause so that time won’t run by fast. That way, the days when I’ll be missing him won’t pile up to mountain high. Otherwise, I’d be buried underneath my own sadness.

I’ve skipped work twice this week because I don’t want people telling me, “Condolence.” A greeting to which I reply, “thank you.” I wonder what the hell am I thinking thanking them. Is “thank you” even a reply to “condolence”?! They didn’t teach me that in school.

If I had it my way, I’d lock myself elsewhere so that I can flood myself with whatever it is I am feeling. Maybe if I cry my eyes out, I’d get over this sooner than how things are going right now.

I guess that’s why I ended up paying Php130.00 to sit through a movie which I didn’t find funny. It’s an animated film that’s supposed to be a comedy but I hardly laughed. Moreover, I was crying.

Somehow the dark theater offered a sanctuary to my grieving heart. It kept my identity private as well as my generously flowing tears. It’s not healthy crying alone but at this point, I’d take what I can get.

I don’t know how long this will go but I am sure that the sooner I let my emotions out, the sooner I’d be back to normal.

I wish Nichi understands why I suddenly became like this. I really hope he would.

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