Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Conspiracy Theory

The last thing one gloomy person needs to cheer her up is rain, heavy rain.

But no worries, I just broke a personal record, having sent out 32 resumes in one day. I should be up and bouncing. But something is definitely off.

For the first time, I was asked to look after my niece who was peacefully dreaming away in her room. Once I got inside, the scene became too familiar to me: a kid sleeping, an incandescent light bulb for a lamp, the isolating effect of an air-conditioned room, the deafening silence. The last time I saw myself in such setting was the last evening I spent with my youngest brother.

I was instantly zapped to that place where nothing was easy. And my why’s and if-only’s came flooding back to my head. Soon, the tears welled-up.

Losing a loved one is not easy. And it never gets easy. As one “veteran” once told me, you don’t really get over the pain. You just learn to deal with it.

A year after the incident, I was compelled to deal with the pain of Nichi’s death. And I dealt with it alright. I went about it the way I know how. I allowed myself to cry, for a minute or so, in secret.

But something more powerful wouldn’t leave me hanging just like that.

My sister who is fond of one celebrity blogger, delivered her next celebrity-blogger news shortly after my secret mini-drama episode. For some reason, I searched for the blog to check how interesting it was. Two clicks after, I found a video like the one below re-posted at the celebrity’s site. It was called, “Logan, the Sky Angel cowboy.”

Logan, a 13-year-old boy, was talking about his “special pet” that died, his pain, and how he asked God his “why?” The message of the recorded audio couldn’t have been more subtle at talking to me.

I don’t think things like this happen at random. There must be a greater force conspiring to make sure I was where I was supposed to be.

I found that video/audio of a 13-year-old boy a few hours after I re-mourned for my brother who died at 13. The video/audio was posted in the personal site of a celebrity whom Nichi once met and in a certain sense “worked” with. The celebrity calls her kid “Nic.” I am assuming the kid’s name is Nichole, the same as Nichi. The video was a re-post. The celebrity mentioned that she chanced upon it and then she thanked a friend named “Gigi” for it. Sometimes I call Nichi “Gigi” (pronounced with a hard G as in “good”). I checked my past post on Nichi and that certain celebrity. In that old post, I used my pet name for Nichi. Proof that I am not making these coincidences up.

I appreciate how my pain was soothed tonight. I’ve seen the signs, read the signs, and got the message.

I feel somewhat better now.

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