Thursday, September 11, 2008

Do I dare and do I dare?

(Intentionally posted late to ensure limited readership.)

No matter how I sugarcoat the recent turn out on my attempt to leap, a part of me will always know that I failed. No matter how I may feel the urge to curse people for rejecting me without giving me the chance to prove myself, what I can do, and how good I can be, I will always blame myself for not making it. No matter how a part of me is excited to come home, another part of me grieves for not being able to get what I came here for.

It has always been who I am. The person who beats herself up too much for both little and big things that have gone wrong. I am not keen on seriously pointing fingers especially when I know that I am the one responsible. Maybe as a joke, I do, but at the end of the day, I blame me. I know that for sure by now.

And I know that I promised a good friend that I will only give myself a day or two to be sad but I’ll let this low point slip.

I dared to put myself in this situation, took a leap, and gambled on what-could-have-been-something-good. But my efforts were obviously not enough. I really can’t help but feel unrewarded, not too mention think of myself as a dumbass. Now I’m daring myself to apologize to those whom I have disappointed.

My brothers, especially Soy, to whom I uncommittingly promised better things.

My sister who (hindi naman sa nagfefeeling kailangan niya ako but) may have looked forward to a relative live close by her.

My parents for failing at giving them the chance to be proud of me.

Yzee for missing her first birthday and failing to share the skills I could have easily contributed to add fun to her birthday. (This factor makes leaving extra hard for me.)

My SG family who welcomed me, took me in and trusted me.

The people who sent me off and had strong hopes that I would breeze through my job hunting adventure.

Those who cheered for me and believed in me and thought I really was THAT good.

Other OFW wannabes for being a living proof that not everyone makes it.

Myself for doing it again. For coming out short. For sitting on the wall and setting myself up for one of my great falls.

I dare and I dared. I’m guessing another bold action won’t hurt.

I will still dare pick myself up after this. After all, life goes on. And although I may allow myself to fail occasionally, losing, for me, is entirely a different matter. That I won't allow to happen.

( We can all scream, "Go, team Monica!" now.)